Back in business thanks to a government bailout.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
So the "breaking" news this morning is that Britney Spears was taken back to the psych ward. I'm sick of all the Super Bowl hype too but ya don't see me getting myself locked up over it. Someone tell Britney that Tom Brady isn't that badly hurt and he'll be ready to go for 19 and 0 on Sunday. I think Britney needs to get back to work. Maybe O.M.O.M. can put her in the next American Dog video.
I endorsed John Edwards for President and like everything I touch, his campaign failed. Edwards dropped out yesterday. Former political guru and lover of prostitutes Dick Morris said on Faux News yesterday that Edwards supporters will have a hard time finding someone to vote for because we have issues with blacks and women. While that might explain my multiple failed marriages and my hatred of the NBA, I think Morris should stick with what he knows best...hookers. I will not endorse any other candidates. They all suck. The country is doomed and none of these chucklemonkeys have a clue as to how to tie their shoes let alone an exit strategy from Iraq. If I endorse anything its a mass exodus to Canada before they close their borders to us.
There's a story on the intergoogles today that claims John McCain isn't being endorsed by some of his fellow senators because he has a bad temper. You spend 7 years of your life in the Hanoi Hilton eating nothing but rice and fish soup and see if you don't get a little cranky. That being said, I think McCain is crazy and scares the bejebus outta me.
So long Jody Shelley. Your Columbus Blue Jackets shipped the team's enforcer off to San Jose for a draft pick. As an on the ice move it makes sense but it pains me to see him go. Shelley played with tremendous heart and became one of my fave hockey players of all time. A bad azz on the ice and a class guy off. I hope their is room in the Jackets front office for him when his playing days are over.
Pardon the Interruption but Mike Wilbon had angioplasty. Who wouldn't have heart problems working with Tony Kornheiser?
Falco, the singer who gave us Rock Me Amadeus and died after getting hit by a bus, is now the subject of a new biopic. Falco. My reaction to the news? Falco? Falc Me!
Lots of storm and Super Bowl talk tomorrow..and whatever else I can pull out of my azz....have a good day kids.
Monday, January 28, 2008
The blog will be shut down Tuesday and Wednesday to mourn the passing of Eric Foos. Father, son, brother. Keep him in your heart for awhile.
Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile
These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Guns n' Roses-Had they gone down after Sweet Child o' Mine hit they would be remembered as the greatest rock band of their generation. It also would have spared us from Use Your Illusion I and II as well as the 2 decades in the making and still unreleased Chinese Democracy.
Kiss-Same rules apply to Kiss. If they go down after Kiss Alive II they are hailed as rock n' roll pioneers. Rolling Stone issues yearly magazines dedicated just to their legacy and compares them to everyone from Marcel Marceau to the MC5. World spared from Gene Simmons giant ego, Vinnie Vincent and the embarrassment the band became when Tommy Thayer and Eric Singer started playing Ace and Peter.
Nirvana-With Smells Like Teen Spirit still dominating airplay on Mtv, Nirvana, minus drummer Dave Grohl, boards a plane to play at a festival in England. Somewhere over the English Channel the band's plane disappears. Two months later bassist Krist Novoselic surfaces after living the whole time on a deserted island. Later its revealed that Novoselic survived on the carcass of Kurt Cobain. The experience is documented in the award winning film "Castaway." Dave Grohl who missed the plane still goes on and forms the Foo Fighters. Due to the plane crash, Cobain doesn't shoot himself or marry Courtney Love..and she never becomes a "star."
INXS-C'mon..any death would have been better for Michael Hutchence then hanging himself from a belt while tickling his Elmo.
Needing another creative outlet, I've decided to form a tribute band. My financial advisor actually suggested the idea telling me it would be easy money. Tribute bands have a built in audience...For Kiss fans they have Strutter or Kiss Army or the Mini-Kiss where Kiss is played by midgets. The Doors had Moonlight Drive. Bruce in the USA goes around the country playing the music of Bruce Springsteen. Here are the tribute band ideas I've been kicking around:
Love it to Death: A tribute to Alice Cooper. Now I know Pittsburgh has Mr. Nice Guy but I saw them and wasn't too impressed. I think I could do better. Plus, since I'm prone to depression, I might actually allow myself to be killed on stage.
Back to Ohio: A tribute to the Pretenders featuring me as Chrissie Hynde. I will have to look more masculine to pass as Chrissie but its worth a shot.
Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me: A tribute to the Cure...now that my hair is growing out, I kinda look like Robert Smith in the hair department. Not sure about the bright red lipstick tho.
I can't decide on a name for this one...It's either Heartbeat City or Shake it Up: A tribute to the Cars. Since bassist/vocalist Ben Orr of the Cars died of colon cancer, I think I could team up with some health provider to offer colonoscopys to fans who turn out at shows.
Once I've decided on who to rip off, I'll assemble the band and make my debut at the Beer Cave. We'll even do a webcast right here on the ol' crap blog.
Enjoy your Thursday.....
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I must admit...the Heath Ledger death was shocking. Didn't see that one coming. Never would have thought to put him in my celebrity death pool. My first thought I will confess is "was he done with post-production for Batman?" Ain't It Cool News says yes he was so his death will have no effect on the film itself...however, the most anticipated film of the summer now will prove to be a challenge to market and promote. Actors making the talk show circuit will of course be asked for memories of Ledger....posters of the Joker will become even more eerie...and then there are the tie in products with his image. The whole thing reminds me of when Brandon Lee died on the set of the Crow. Granted Ledger was a superior actor to Lee, but it just puts a pall over a movie I was very much looking forward to seeing.
Personally, I really hope this was an accidental death and not a suicide. I don't feel a whole lot of sympathy for the rich and famous who end their lives. I've been poor, anonymous and miserable. I'd gladly trade places. with them. I suspect it'll turn out to be a bad combination of drugs. Just a senseless way to die. I think the speculation that playing the Joker sent him over the edge might be the most asinine thing I've ever heard. I'm sure playing a Revolutionary War soldier next to Mel Gibson in the Patriot was a demanding role but he didn't start shooting people with a musket or become an anti semite.
Now that Britney has been bumped in favor of Ledger coverage it makes me fear what she'll do next for attention...maybe a suicide bombing at DisneyWorld?
Our first White Castle opened up in town this week. I've never seen such long lines for awful food. So many cars in the lot and at the drive thru I thought the town was hosting a winter car show. Nothing brings a community together like a bag of sliders.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Wow. I'm stunned. A fine, young actor dead too soon. Another Hollywood cliche. Suddely the upcoming Batman film starts to remind me of the Crow. Ledger's Joker had the look of Brian Bolland's stunning art work in the Killing Joke graphic novel. His death puts a real damper on what was sure to be Summer's biggest blockbuster. 28 years old and a two year old daughter left behind. What a freaking waste.
Now on the pro side, had abortion been legal we could have wiped out the following infamous characters from history: bin Laden, Hitler, Dubya, Dave Matthews, Regis (who everyone knows is just pure evil)...all the members of Def Leppard, and Sirhan Sirhan. Seriously, if you had the chance to prevent Hitler from being born, wouldn't you have jumped at the opportunity? Now on the against side its a little tougher. Cuz you don't know what the fetus would have become...little fetus Murphy could have cured cancer...little fetus Jenkins might have created an alternate fuel source....little fetus Richards could have been an ax murderer...you just have no way of knowing. Now the thing I've always found interesting about right to lifers, is they nearly always support the death penalty. On the same note, the pro-choicers are almost always against it. Make up your bloody minds people..you're either for selective killing or you're against it. You don't get to have it both ways. Its like reconciling the book of Genesis with Jurassic Park...it just can't be done.
Like I said the issue exhausts me. I think that if the two sides fought as vigorously for the well being of the already born as they do for the right/non-right of the unborn, the world might be a better, and most likely, quieter place. Its rare that I find myself in the middle of an issue but this is one....I support a woman's right to chose, but I find it an extreme and grotesque practice. In the interest of full disclosure, I also endorse the death penalty (however, I see no evidence to indicate it actually deters people from commiting crime). Ideally, since we know where babies come from, it would be nice if people would take precautions. If Britney Spears had done a little family planning then she would have a lot more free time now. I'm sure those custody hearings for her two little mistakes are a real drag on her partying. Seeing someone like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton makes me yearn for some kind of Logan's Run law where on someone's 30th birthday you can eliminate them. But I digress....
If Roe v Wade were overturned today it would ZERO effect on my life. I'm past the age of unwanted pregnancy...like most of the American voting public. A Republican candidate once elected will never completely over turn Roe v Wade cuz nothing rallies the devout Christians like trotting out the tired old warhorse. They may whittle it a bit but never will they make it illegal. Likewise, the Dems will never come out and praise the practice lest they be seen as anti-family. It is the issue that will never go away because both sides and both political parties need it too much. 35 years from now, the same debate will be raging on. And I still won't care. At some point, we're all gonna be judged for our actions by God (unless She doesn't exist....thats a topic for another time)...and don't think that doesn't scare the hell out of me. Somehow I don't think any God worth his weight in devotion would endorse a concentration camp for rock bands. Thats why I pray every day that God has a sense of humor....and a taste for beer and loud music.
Monday, January 21, 2008
These guilty pleasures go beyond music tho. For instance there's the White Shadow, the 70's tv show with Ken Howard as a white dude coaching an inner city Chicago high school basketball team. It should have been the 90210, the O.C. or One Tree Hill of its day. I must find out if its on DVD. How anyone can resist the comedic stylings of Redd Foxx in Sanford and Son is beyond me. That dude was flat out funny. As was Freddie Prinze, no not the modern version from the Scooby Doo flicks, his Dad. Chico and the Man is coming back to tv this winter and I can't wait to see it again. Good Times remains Dy-no-mite to me after 30 odd years. I'd still watch What's Happening with Rerun, Raj and the gang if someone were to run it again.
Charles Bronson was an ok actor who made a lot of bad, violent flicks. Yet I'm powerless to resist the majesty of the Mechanic or the Death Wish series. That awful movie Showgirls? Can't look away when I see it. Same with some of the bad teen comedies of the 80's like Losin' It, Porky's and the Last American Virgin. Some of these I even own on DVD. Sadly, Hollywood Knights isn't one I own but I need to get that one. Would make a fine double bill with a pre-Oscar winning Tom Hanks Bachelor Party. Anytime I stumble upon Valley Girl I have to watch it. A guilty pleasure that I have drifted from but must come back to is watching flicks that bypass theaters...the straight to DVD or cable flicks. Some of them are quite good...anything that features Andrew Stevens is of course terrible. Note to self....see how much adding Cinemax to Directv lineup will cost...
Did I mention I read For Better of For Worse every day? Or Beetle Bailey? Or Hi and Lois? Heck, Hi and Lois has never been funny yet I read it.
Feel free to post your own guilty pleasures. I just admitted to liking Good Times...top that.
Quick hits from the weekend:
Bummed the Packers lost but they deserved it. New York outplayed them. Patriots looked flat but I think they'll win the Super Bowl. Come too far now.
Saw Cloverfield...wow. I really enjoyed the heck out of that movie. Some good scares tho the shaky handheld camera will make ya wanna puke at times.
Bummer of weekend...Star Trek movie trailer was to have been attached to Cloverfield and it was...just not at the theater I was at.
Did see trailer to Iron Man tho and it looks killer. My pal Unky Rory looks more like Robert Downey Jr all the time.
Suzanne Pleshette died. She and the chick from Get Smart had the best chick voices ever.
Allen Melvin, Barney from All in the Family and Sam the Butcher from the Brady Bunch died too.
Georgia Frontierre, the owner of the St. Louis Rams died to complete the trilogy of death. I think to get even with her for moving the team from LA, she should be buried in St. Louis and then dug up every so often and put in a different hole.
Bundle up gang...its cold out there.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I'm thinking of filing a class action lawsuit against the razor companies. For several years I've been using triple and quadruple blade razors. Now I find out that I'm getting a better shave with a twin blade. If you can't trust the razor industry, who can you trust?
If you missed it, Jenna Jameson announced at the AVN Award ceremony that she was retiring from adult films. That news led to this thought....aren't performers in that industry a lot like boxers? They take a lot of punishment in their youth...make some money...then as their skills start to slip and their brains start to get damaged (from punches and drugs) they walk away...only to return again and again...just a shell of their former selves.
I think by law if someone asks you "Hey, did you watch American Idol last night?" you should be allowed to punch them in the nose.
I think Green Bay is the greatest sports city in the world. I loved my time in that part of the country. Good folks and great fans. The local tv channel in Green Bay found out that Giants QB Eli Manning's favorite show is Seinfeld. So they aren't running it this weekend. Pulled it off their weekend schedule just to upset Eli's routine. Its been snowing in Green Bay all week and the high temp on Sunday is 6 degrees. Probably be colder than that since the game won't start till 6ish.
I think if you put an Amish beard on him, Barrack Obama would look like Abe Lincoln with a tan.
I think nothing makes me feel more violent than the comedic stylings of Bob Saget and the music of Dave Matthews. Hate them both.
I think within 5 years, no one will be buying recorded music. It'll all be digital downloads. I miss vinyl more all the time.
Did they even need to do an autopsy on Ike Turner to determine he had drugs in his system when he died? Wasn't that a given?
If you had Apt Pupil star Brad Renfro in your Dead Pool this year congrats. Drugs and celebs do not mix.
I think I'm beyond tired of hearing Ohio State fans whine about losing the BCS. I also think if you're under the impression that a return to the national title game is coming since all those juniors are coming back, you're fooling yourself. The Bucks have to go to USC and there is no way they win that game.
I think I'm an idiot for mentioning a game that is 9 months away.
Do you know anyone who is a fan of the NBA? I don't.
I'm not a big moviegoer these days (too expensive) but I'm so going to see Cloverfield this weekend. It looks amazing and the trailer to the new Star Trek movie is attached to it.
The writer's strike has killed the Justice League movie. Thank god. When rapper Common and the dork from the OC are your stars, your project is in trouble. This flick needs to be done right or not done at all.
Finally, in another sign that the apocalypse is near, Oprah has been given her own cable network. Why do I fear that if Obama wins we're looking at the United States of Oprah?
I'm off in search of soup.....
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
American Dog - "Sometimes You Eat the Pussy" video released, Japanese tour announced.
While everyone else is busy gazing at their navels and contemplating the year 2007 in review, American Dog is fueling up the road machine and kicking off 2008 by planting a size 12 right in baby New Year’s arse. Like Rodan on a bender, American Dog will be unleashing it (doggy style, of course) in the east with a 10-show attack of Japan. “I've been drinking a lot of Sapporo and Kirin to prepare for the tour” states bassist/vocalist Michael Hannon, “As a matter of fact, I'm preparing right now!”
Coming off 2007’s slam-dunk release HARD, which came in 4th place in the Sleaxe Roxx "Best of 2007", Hannon, guitarist Steve Theado and drummer Keith Pickens are ready to yet again extend the American Dog bite to new shores. After successful jaunts overseas to France, Spain, Belgium, Switzerland and the UK, American Dog will hit the streets of Japan running with 10 shows in 10 days. In addition to overseas dates, American Dog grabbed their Ouija boards and channeled their inner Three Stooges for the video to the HARD track, “Sometimes You Eat The Pussy…”
Destined to be a prom night classic, “Sometimes You Eat The Pussy…” has a video that’s every bit as PC as the song and the band themselves. “Normally the majority of our video budget goes towards beer,” explains Michael, “this time we spent half our budget on a midget…” The video, directed by Rob Kern for From Out Of Nowhere Productions, takes the attitude and beer-fueled insanity that is American Dog and boils it down to three minutes that would make Larry, Moe and Curly proud. The video will also be featured on an American Dog DVD to be released by Bad Reputation this April. Michael wanted to let it all hang out for this video. “I had an idea to bring back the old David Lee Roth style of videos, so we tracked down Kat The Midget Entertainer and went right to it. The only thing we’re missing is a monkey smoking a cigar.”
To view the video for “Sometimes You Eat The Pussy…” and to get up to date tour and news, head over to www.americandog.us
1970-Rocketed from the dying planet Krypton, the man who would become the BlastFurniss is discovered by Jonathon and Martha Kent of Smallville Kansas. Hey, I was a baby, I can't be expected to remember the exact details of my birth can I?
1970-1980 Those years are dull. Mainly spent complaining about disco music, the Nixon, Ford and Carter administrations, and playing with Mego action figures. Planet of the Apes and the Batman tv show were holy and held sacred.
1982-One of the biggest years of my life. Saw first rock concert...Ted Nugent with opening act Alcatrazz. Drunk dude behind me drunk and passed out. Puked all night like Vesuvius. Rock music is good. Parents get satellite dish installed. Unlimited viewings of Vacation, Eddie and the Cruisers and 24 hour uncensored adult films. Life was never the same. Oh and we got Mtv which once upon a time, was a lot of fun.
1984-began lifelong friendship with Kbone...a relationship formed by a love of glam bands and parachute pants. Neither of which thankfully exist today. Fortunately, we found other things in common over the years.
1985-began lifelong friendship with O.M.O.M., my brother in all that is heavy in metal. He introduced me to Manowar and I introduced him to J.D. Roberts and the Pepsi Power Hour. He's now the manager of my Iced Earth tribute band, Frosty Planet.
1986-landed starring role in Canadian melodrama Degrassi Junior High. My character was killed off by an errant stone in a game of curling.
1988-began 20 year odyssey at Ohio State University which finally ends this June.
1990-met the mysterious Unky Rory. Social critic, baseball fan, geek. The Spock to my Kirk, the Larry to my Moe, the Shields to my Yarnell. A brotherhood stronger than dilithium crystals.
1992-After the fall of the Iron Curtain, became first late night Russian talk show host. Program cancelled after one ep. Lied on resume...didn't speak Russian.
1994-Became lead singer of Slade.
1995-started short lived career as radio talk show host. Program quickly cancelled as I'd finally mastered Russian. American audience didn't understand the language.
1996-published first book, a critical biography of the films of Ginger Lynn.
1998-Launched a national dance craze with hit song "Shave My Poodle" topping the charts for 6 months.
2000-lost contested presidential election to George W. Bush. Met NHL legend TFO and assisted him in planning drive by shooting of Jaromir Jagr. Plan scrapped when we realized Jagr didn't mean that much to us after all. Instead, influenced by American History X, we forced an unsuspecting passerby to put his mouth on the curb so we could stomp on his head. Today that man is known as Mitt Romney. Now you know, the rest of the story.
2002-marries CNBC personality Maria Bartiromo
2004-Cast as Captain America in big screen adaptation of Marvel Comics character. Fired after one day of shooting for reading all my lines in Russian.
2007-A failure at every entertainment medium, I launch this here blog to entertain the masses...or at least the dozen or so site regulars.
2008-who the hell knows? The year is only 2 weeks old.
So there ya have it...my pathetic life. 38 mediocre years and more on the way. Life is good.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The country's greatest train wreck returns to the airwaves tonight...the long, dreaded return of American Idol. I was hoping that this season they might turn into a format similar to the old Gong Show only with the public execution of the hopeful contestants. Sadly they continue to use the same tired format and their same so past their 15 minutes of fame judges. I would hope after the failures of their past couple winners, Simon and company would be a tad more humble in their opinions this year..but ya know that won't happen. I intend to avoid this like a fat chick with herpes. Awful, awful show.
You know who doesn't get enough respect among rock music intellectuals? Alice Cooper. That man penned some of the best tunes of the 70's. I dare you to listen to Under My Wheels without cranking up the volume. The man remains a dynamite live performer. Don't hold the fact that he once employed Kip Winger against him....Lou Reed gave the world Metal Machine Music and has a new duet with the killers and people think he is a genius. Alice deserves more credit and a spot in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
45 years after the fact, Americans can't get enough info on the assassination of JFK. PBS ran an excellent new American Experience last night called Oswald's Ghost which deals with the shooting of JFK and the fallout that is still being experienced in this country. According to the program, over 70 percent of people believe that there was a conspiracy to assassinate JFK. Over 2,000 books have published just on the death of the 36th president. Perhaps what was most fascinating is how the filmmaker tore apart the house of cards Oliver Stone used to build his case of a cover up in the film JFK. Excellent flick..check your local listings for a rerun. Oh...and for what its worth I believe Oswald acted alone.
How's come there are no cable tv networks for the deaf or blind?
If you've not done so, go check out the Cinematic Titanic website. Joel Hodgson, the creator of Mystery Science Theater 3000, is back with much of the original talent from that show riffing on bad flicks. The first flick is available for download or purchase now. Saturdays haven't been the same since MST3K went off the air. Oh..since its an election year I'm forced to give equal time. Mike Nelson, the head writer and 2nd host of MST3K also riffs on movies over at Rifftrax.
Is it wrong that I have no interest in today's Michigan primary? The way the political parties go about selecting their presidential nominees is in need of an overhaul. We need to go back to the old days where the candidate was only decided after blood was shed at the convention.
As if McDonald's wasn't bad enough for us today the FDA gave the go ahead for the sale and consumption of cloned meat. I have no problem with cloning (or stem cell research..in fact, I favor both), but I don't want to eat one.
Finally kids, steroids just ain't for baseball players anymore...new reports indicate that Hollywood celebrities have been...gasp...juicing... ya mean 50 Cent didn't get that physique by going into the gym 5 days a week and thru living a healthy lifestyle. I'M SHOCKED! Next you'll tell me Rambo was juicing too. In addition to 50 Cent, other stars mentioned in the report were Mary J. Blige, Wyclef Jean and Tyler Perry. Wait..Tyler Perry...isn't that the dude who dresses up like an old lady? Personally, I think all of these celebs suck....further proof that performance enhancing drugs don't deliver on their promise.
Remember...tomorrow, January 16th, go to www.americandog.us to catch American Dog's new O.M.O.M. directed video for Sometimes You Eat the Pussy.....You'll be glad ya did.
Monday, January 14, 2008
No one benefited more from the baseball drug story than Terrell Owens the Cowboys receiver. Barry Bonds allowed TO to quit being public enemy number one. The Cowboys loss and the media's questions on Romo's bye week trip to Mexico with Ms. Simpson led TO to break down in tears after the Cowboys loss. That's right...the man who has made a habit of challenging the manhood of previous teammates Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb cried. God is good. The Cowboys are eliminated and TO cried. What more do you want from a Sunday?
Forecast for Green Bay this Sunday where the Packers will host the Giants calls for a high of 11 degrees. Go Pack go. Me thinks we're looking at a Packers/Patriots Super Bowl. Brett Favre deserves to ride into the sunset with one more Super Bowl win.
Anyone else geeked up to see Cloverfield? That movie looks like its gonna be huge fun.
I watched the series premiere of the Sarah Connor Chronicles last night. While I enjoyed it, I find the idea of a Terminator tv series to be limited in terms of story telling. Its pretty much just the Terminator meets the Fugitive. YAWN.
I don't know anyone who watches Cops or America's Most Wanted. How are these shows still on the air? Whoever they are, I suspect they'll turn out to see the new Rambo movie.
New Jack City star Mario Van Peebles is joining the cast of an ABC soap opera. I realize ya gotta work but wouldn't working at Speedway be better than that?
Panic at the Disco! is no more...they are now just known as Panic at the Disco..no exclamation mark. In a related note, Yngwie Malmsteen still wants to be known as Yngwie J. Malmsteen.
I have a hard time thinking of a band that had a dumber name than "Pablo Cruise."
The new season of American Idol starts tomorrow. I intend to avoid it at all costs (like I do every year). I find it interesting that the new season starts just as two of the show's winners and one runner up were dropped by their record label. Sales of the first records produced by last year's top two performers are lacking to boot. Did I mention God is good?
Belated thanks to the O.M.O.M. for giving me a sneak peak at the latest American Dog video. As soon as he gives the word, I'll post it here. If you haven't done so, check out his stuff at www.fromoutofnowhere.com For the latest on American Dog go to www.americandog.us
I'm out...just like the Cowboys in the NFL playoffs....
Friday, January 11, 2008
Guess it could be worse....could be Safe Auto Field.
Finally got around to watching the writer less Daily Show and Colbert Report. Jon Stewart seems to be faring a heck of a lot better. While I enjoy the Colbert show more, Stewart is a stand up comedian and able to pull it off better than Colbert who is a comic actor playing a role. This strike can't end soon enough for me. With each passing day I'm tempted to take in Good Times and Alice reruns.
More people last week watched that writer less hack Jay Leno over David Letterman, who has writers. I'm guessing the Leno audience didn't even notice...by now they have to be used to him not being funny.
Speaking of things we should be used to by now....Bush said something stupid again yesterday. While visiting the Holocaust museum in Israel, Bush wondered aloud why the U.S. didn't bomb Auschwitz during World War II...so he asked fellow Mensa member Condi Rice "Hey Condi, how come we didn't bomb Auschwitz?" Condi told the curious child president that we had photos indicating that the camp existed...so Bush, in his unique and borderline retarded way says (and I'm paraphrasing but the gist is the same) "we should have bombed it." Am I setting the bar too high by expecting the commander in chief of the U.S. military to have at least a working knowledge of military history? By the way, Bush's response to every problem is "bomb it."
Sir Edmund Hillary the first man to scale Mount Everest has died at the age of 88. In a press release Mount Everest said "Let's see if you can dig your way to my peak now beyotch!"
Do you think Obama puked a little when John Kerry endorsed him?
I'm thinking of writing an essay about why Motorhead deserves the following the Dave Matthews Band has.
So this week at the big Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas a company rolled out a 150 inch tv...an Indian motor company rolled out a $25000 car....to compete GM has announced that new cars will no longer come with a jack to change your flat tires...instead it will come fully equipped with a Filipino midget who will do the dirty work for you.
This is a good week to be in Vegas...the big Adult Entertainment Expo is going on too. After all, ya gotta pick up something to watch on that 150 inch tv. Flipping thru the ol' Sirius satellite radio last night I caught a few moments of a gripping interview conducted from the Expo by Christy Canyon and Ginger Lynn. Their subject was some chick new to the world of adult film who basically giggled in response to their questions. Still, it was more entertaining than Chris Matthews on Hardball.
Remember me and my version of L.A. Guns will be playing Gazzari's tomorrow night. Hope to see you there....and remember....Rip and Tear!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
So in the spirit of Bill Hicks, who gave the world the idea of Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus, I present to you the BlastFurniss Celebrity Death March.
We take the celebrities we hate the most, place them in a dangerous and exotic locale, and relish in their untimely demise. This is an idea whose time has come. We live in a dangerous age where too many people are famous just for being famous. Not to mention the ongoing writers strike has left reality television producers scraping the bottom of the barrel for mindless fluff to dull the masses.
Presenting our first cast:
Dr. Phil: I don't know what's worse, this idiot or the people who watch his show and buy his books. The man is a dangerous snake oil salesman and the government should hold hearings about Dr. Phil and others like him. The FDA regulates drugs, it ought to regulate quacks like him too. Dr. Phil...tv's version of Enzyte.
Chris Berman: Is there any sports fan who is still entertained by this tub of goo? His nickname schtick has grown tiresome. Give it a rest tubby.
Paris Hilton: Need I explain?
Pam Anderson: Does anyone find this Hepatitis C spreading has been the least bit attractive? I hope she isn't cremated. She'll burn like a tire fire.
Kim Kardashian: A large shapely ass and a home sex vid aren't redeeming qualities.
Ann Curry: Because it would please me to see her miserable. Tho technically, she actually is famous for reading the news on the Today. That kinda separates her from the previous skanks.
Paula Abdul: I'd give her a pardon if she'd just freak out live on air and attack one of her American Idol co-stars with a crowbar.
Jay Leno: What's my beef? Its this giant chinned putz. He has got to be the least funny, funny person who ever had a tv show. He's smug and his show has always been a train wreck, yet more people watch it than Letterman. Of course, more people voted for Bush in the last two presidential elections. Bush and Leno....proof that Americans are idiots.
Arsenio Hall: Cuz I always hated him and my cast is too white.
Carlos Mencia: Despite stealing jokes from other comedians, he's still not funny. Again, he gives the lilywhite cast a little color and flavor.
Rosie O'Donnell: I always found it funny she didn't come out until her show was off the air. She really thinks much too highly of herself. I predict she'll be the first to expire on the march. One of the other cast members will take her out.
There's my list....feel free to debate it or add additional cast members. If there is one thing this country still does better than any other nation is making stars out of people who deserve to live in obscurity.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Why do I have more interest in the Rocklahoma 2008 lineup announcement than in the presidential election? Hard Rock/Heavy Metal is a lot like politics ya know. The Hard Rock guys would be your hair or glam bands. Poison, Ratt, Motley Crue...those bands are the Democrats. They are liberal with their sound and look. They appeal more to women. They are also likely to have a drummer who is a vegan. Heavy Metal on the other hand is more like the GOP....King Diamond, Manowar, Black Sabbath...those are old school white male bands. They have an image and that is to be dark, wear leather or denim, and have a lead singer who is horrifyingly ugly. They are more likely to have a drummer who not only eats meat, but a singer who is willing to chuck it at the audience.
I think the world could do without L.A. Guns let alone two versions. This has been all the rage among washed up hair bands the last few years. More than one member of a once popular band will own the naming rights and go out on the road sporting their version of the band. This has happened not only to L.A. Guns but to Faster Pussycat and Ratt. A rock band is a lot like a football team with quarterback issues...if you have more than one qb, than you don't have a qb. L.A. Guns is hereby then inducted into the supplemental round of my Rock n Roll Concentration camp.
I think Dan Baird is one of the most underrated and unappreciated singer/songwriters/guitar players of the last 25 years. The former Georgia Satellite has a new record out and I have to pick it up.
I think George W. Bush needs to intervene in the ongoing Hollywood writers strike. If this goes on to much longer a nation lacking in first run and first class entertainment will start to look harder at real issues and finally hold him responsible.
I think people who drive SUV's should be required to pay twice the going rate for a gallon of gas. I get two to three times the mileage they do. I should get two to three times the savings.
I think these are dark times for the American economy. Stock market is tumbling, dollar is at about the lowest point in my lifetime. My friends, we were born at the wrong time.
I think the whole story this week about an Iranian boat tossing insults at an American war ship would be incredibly funny if I didn't think the Bush administration would use it as an excuse to start another war. I know Bush/Cheney won't get thru the year without doing something really stupid.
I think me and 10 of my friends had as much right to play in the national championship game as Ohio State. If your schedule includes Youngstown State and Akron, you deserve to play in the Humanitarian Bowl in beautiful Boise.
I think we're about out of reality show ideas when they start featuring Scott Baio. Now comes word that ABC is gonna dust off the Mole. I'd rather see them shoot unproduced Cop Rock scripts.
I don't know if any show makes me laugh and want to vomit quite like Kenny vs Spenny.
I think for working without writers, Conan O'Brien is doing a fantastic job. His rendition of Blue Moon of Kentucky with Max and the band the other night was great.
On the other hand, despite enjoying both the Daily Show and Colbert Report, I've avoided both since they returned. I just can't see those shows being very good without writers.
I think John McCain might just be insane. Something about the guy radiates crazy to me.
Some website ran a news item inferring David Lee Roth is gay. I don't know about that but I do know that his current appearance makes him a candidate to replace Roy in Siegfried and Roy. Siegfried and Roth has a nice ring to it.
You know who scares me more than John McCain or even Dubya? Dr. Phil. People actually take what this Cracka shrink says seriously.
To close, a Buckeye fan actually told me today that OSU needs to fire Jim Tressel. And he was serious. Now, you've been to 3 title games in 6 years...you have a coach who owns Michigan....and you want to fire him? Buckeye fans are as crazy as John McCain.
When your phone rings today, make sure you tell them the BlastFurniss says hello........
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
For the 2nd straight year the Ohio State Buckeyes laid an egg in the BCS National Title game. It was a true team effort as the offense, defense, special teams and coaches all contributed to the 38-24 loss to LSU. Granted, it was an improvement over the Florida debacle from last year but now comes another off season of Ohio State Kool Aid drinkers making excuses for the loss. Here are my random thoughts about last nights loss that today has the Buckeye Nation (can we please retire that phrase?) on suicide watch today:
Local media talking head Mindy Dreyer this morning rambled on about how unfair the officiating was. I'm sure LSU got away with a few penalties....thats bound to happen in every game. They just didn't do anything as obvious and stupid as run into the punter on 4th and 23. That was the game right there. Stupid penalties that kept LSU drives alive. The defense was just on the field too much. While I'm picking on Mindy she also complained about LSU fans gloating after the victory and interfering with her interviews of "anguished" Buckeye fans after the game. Well Mindy, they won..they deserve the right to gloat and burn couches and overturn cars. Be a good loser and take it in stride.
For many OSU players last night was their last game in Scarlet and Gray....to all the juniors thinking of making the leap to the NFL I say to you...don't do it...none of you are ready. But thats easy for me to say...ain't no one backing up the money truck to my house.
The biggest highlight of the game was for the 2nd year in a row Fox had the broadcast rights which meant no Brent Musburger. The Fox announcers weren't the greatest (a sideline reporter described the Bucks as wearing "crimson" jerseys for crying out loud) but at least Musburger was nowhere to be found.
Other than Desmond Howard the ESPN College Gameday crowd took OSU to win. Leave it to the Michigan man to get it right.
The first person that gives me a countdown as to how many days it is to the opener of the 2008 season is gonna be the victim of a hate crime.
Fans of college football deserve a playoff. They can do it every division of college football except division one.
Is it just me or is the 50 day layoff between the end of the regular season and the championship game just insane? Had the two teams met for instance a week after LSU won the SEC conference title game OSU would have had a decided advantage due to all the injuries LSU had.
Did I see a white running back for LSU? What next a black man and white woman running for President?
Glenn Dorsey was the best player on that field. That dude is gonna make a heck of an NFL player.
If you took a drink every time someone said "Bo Pellini" last night, you might have wound up like Bon Scott.
Last nights game was probably the last football game of interest for me. Sure the NFL playoffs go on but I'm not so interested in those. Would love to see Green Bay win it all but I have zero interest in the Patriots pursuit of a 19-0 season. Guess I'll just cheer on the Blue Jackets and count down the days until spring training.
Resume nursing your hangovers kids....its been a long season.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Its my pleasure to announce this year's detainees:
The Byrds: Not entirely their fault. They made some darn fine songs. However, they weren't so good that the Underground Garage needs to play a Byrds song every 15 minutes.
Madonna: Sure, she's not a rock performer but that didn't stop her from getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame did it? Want to know why no talent azz clowns like Britney Spears and Fergie get record deals and news coverage? Blame Madonna. She must be punished.
Korn: Did anyone like these guys? If they did who cares...put them on the train.
Slipknot: See above entry for Korn.
The Doobie Brothers: Sorta like the Byrds. They were harmless enough. Yet oldies stations insist on playing China Grove every 30 minutes. Its not a very good song. The riff is lame. And no band EVER needs two drummers.
Don Dokken: Have you heard his acoustic versions of Into the Fire or Alone Again? The man is a wig wearing Vegas act. Since I can't make him trade places with Kevin DuBrow, I'll put Dokken on the train.
The Cars: This one hurts me because I do like a lot of the Cars stuff. I even enjoyed the reformed New Cars with Todd Rundgren playing the role of Ric Ocasek. HOWEVER, there is no reason for Moving in Stereo to be played so often. I know its some idiot radio programmers attempt to make us nostalgic for Judge Reinhold wanking to Phoebe Cates in Fast Times but its a really lame song topped only by the equally awful Let the Good Times Roll...."let me brush your rock and roll hair"? What kind of crap is that?
Kid Rock: Do I need to even explain this one? Look up douchebag in the dictionary and you'll see this piece of poo. Get on the train Kid Rock...and shut up. No one wants to hear about you getting Hep C from Pam Anderson.
There ya go gang...there's this years list of nominees to the BlastFurniss Rock and Roll Concentration Camp. They'll join last year's nominees Journey, Def Leppard, .38 Special, Reo Speedwagon and whoever else I was mad about at that time.
A few things I think to end the week:
I think every time a politician says "I represent your values" a pedophile cries.
I think Dick Clark was using performance enhancing drugs prior the New Year's Rockin' Eve broadcast.
I think the money the government invests on the war on drugs should be spent on the war against inbreeding instead.
I think I'd like to see some new kinds of soup. We've had the same tired varieties of soup forever. I'd like to see how many cans of Placenta & Rice Campbells could move.
I think midgets are a sign that God is a very funny being.
I think I'd be afraid to watch porn in HD.
I also think I'd be afraid to watch porn in 3D.
I think Joan Jett belongs in the Rock Hall.
I think the reason the NCAA doesn't have a football playoff is because if they do, the terrorists win.
Like a kid throwing a fit in Toys R Us, I think George W. Bush will have to be physically removed from the White House at the end of his term.
I think everyone who is appearing in the Celebrity Apprentice deserves a humiliating kick in the crotch.
Have a good weekend..........
Thursday, January 3, 2008
The late night tv hosts returned last night. Letterman has writers, Leno and Conan don't. I set the DVR to record Letterman but as of yet have not had a chance to watch. I understand in addition to writers, Dave now has a beard. Conan does too. However, Conan killed time on his show by seeing how long he could spin his wedding ring on his desk. Dave had Robin Williams, Shooter Jennings and some woman named Clinton. Conan again had the spinning wedding ring. I like Conan but until they have the writers back, I ain't watching. I hear Leno had GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee on. In the interest of full disclosure, I hate Jay Leno. No talent azz clown owes me 12 bucks and he ain't paid up. Huckabee obviously is an idiot. Republican or not, no presidential candidate should cross a picket line.
Speaking of the election, the primary season kicked off in Iowa. I still don't give a damn. This has to be the most interesting collection of characters since Laverne and Shirley. I'd vote for Cornelius from Planet of the Apes if I could. He certainly would be more innovative than any of the jokers we have to choose from. John McCain might just be the looniest candidate ever. The guy makes Perot's former running mate Stockdale seem coherent. Wake me when December comes and all this is behind us.
I still believe the Nintendo Wii is the greatest video game system ever. However, I've had to back away from it for a few days due to a case of Wii elbow. Swear to Jebus. Wii elbow. Aging sucks.
Highlight of New Year's Day was far and away the NHL Winter Classic. Nothing like watching hockey played outside in a giant football stadium. NHL should do this every New Year's Day. The Detroit Red Wings are trying to land the game but get this...they want to play it in a freakin' dome...what's the point?
Do you have the Buckeye football fever? Just days remain before Ohio State is again embarrassed in the NCAA BCS National Title game. OSU has as much business being in that game as Fred Thompson does being president. Neither are qualified and both will be beaten soundly.
That's all I have...resume your search for internet porn.