Back in business thanks to a government bailout.

Monday, March 31, 2008

April Fool's Eve

As a big baseball fan, opening day is one of the best days of the year...or at least it used to be. The stench of steroids and human growth hormone (HGH) has dimmed my love of the game. I still love baseball....but its sort of the way you love a psycho bitch who is great in the sack. You love it when its good and you're watching your shoulder the rest of the time. It'll either give you a rise and put a shank in your back and you never know when either is coming. I might have dismissed baseball completely if it weren't for the Cleveland Indians. I've been a Tribe fan all my life and with them in contention to win their first World Series since 1948, its hard to walk away from them now.

In defense of my Tribe, only one current Indian, Paul Byrd, has been linked to the Mitchell Report. Byrd admits to using HGH but funny how the admission only came after the media broke the story before game 7 of last year's ALCS. Byrd did have a prescription for HGH...from a dentist! The Mitchell Report gave me a whole host of new reasons to loathe the Yankees. Damn near the whole team was in the report.

A few predictions for the MLB season....The Red Sox will not repeat, the Yankees will not make the playoffs (bad pitching), and the Cubs will complete their 100th year of not winning a World Series....In the AL I like the Angels, Indians and Red Sox to win their divisions with the Mariners taking the Wild Card....I'm taking the Angels to beat my Indians in the ALCS....In the NL, there are no dominant teams.....I'm taking the Phillies, Cubs and Diamondbacks to win their divisions with the Braves as the Wild Card. I'm picking an Angels and Phillies World Series with the Angels winning in five games.

Predictions having been made...I must confess....I think its bad luck to pick the team you follow to win the World Series. Cubs are a popular pick to reverse their curse this year but I'm convinced God hates the Cubs so I'm not gonna go against the wishes of the Almighty.

Kudos to the O.M.O.M. for pinch hitting and delivering a grand slam of a post to wrap up last week and the S'March of Metal (I know today is the last day of March but I'm too lazy to look up videos on YouTube that won't end up posting to the blog anyway). Make sure to check out the O.M.O.M.'s photography at his website

This story broke Friday but in case you missed it Poison Drummer Rikki Rockett (real name...wait for it...Richard "Dick" Reams) has been arrested and charged with rape. This case seems to have BS written all over it tho. The woman claims the crime took place in September. Its now nearly April and he's just now getting charged with this? Plus Rikki was released WITHOUT bail....cuz the Mississippi prosecutor's office (where the crime allegedly took place) aren't sure if they are gonna even bother extraditing him. Now I find Rikki's plight to be humorous in that it opens the doors for so many reality shows....As you know, Poison singer Bret Michaels has his Rock of Rikki Rockett can have his own too...Rape of Love? Or if the drummer gets convicted, maybe he can choose the inmate that will make him his bitch? Maybe Poison can do a reality show to find a new drummer...who will also fall in love with it Beat of Love....

Watched a ton of movies over the weekend....Didn't think much of American Gangster...too long, factually inaccurate, and disappointing....Much to my surprise I enjoyed Atonement. Michael Clayton was also a good way to spend two hours of my Saturday. The best flick I saw tho was Gone Baby Gone. Who knew that Ben Affleck was capable of directing such a fine movie? Gone Baby Gone is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Great story and fine acting. Its based on the book by Dennis Lehane, the same guy who wrote Mystic River. Trust me, you'll like it.

I watched about 10 minutes of Celebrity Fitclub this weekend...they call these people celebrities? Tina Yothers? Willie Aames? Skreech? AJ Benza? The dude who used to host American Idol...Dunkleman? Erin Moran, Joannie from Happy Days? Two black women I've never heard of? These are celebrities? These are stars? No, these are pathetic low lifes....cockroaches scurrying about for a few more moments in the spotlight....Here's an idea....Celebrity Brigade....we take our washed up, has been "celebrities" and we turn them into fighting machines and set them loose in the streets of Iraq. C'mon who doesn't want to see Jimmie "J.J." Walker (DYNO-MITE!) become a munitions expert? Lets see if Mr. T can still pull of his A Team character....Scott Baio is 46 single, pregnant and missing in action. I think it would be a hit and we would be bringing the real troops home.

I'm off to go pitch that idea to VH1....enjoy the last day of March.

Friday, March 28, 2008

S'March of Metal: Anthrax-Anti-Social

Was never a huge fan of Anthrax but I think Scott Ian is a cool dude. Good player. Great beard these days. Smart enough to realize he was going bald and shaved his noggin'. Which means he's smarter than Bret Michaels, Gene Simmons and Don Dokken...but then, who isn't?

S'March of Metal-Accept Balls to the Wall

By request for TFO...the incredibly gay Udo and Accept

And Now A Few Moments with the O.M.O.M.

A first today in the history of the BlastFurniss, to celebrate the S'March of Metal, the O.M.O.M. has been gracious enough to supply a few words. Enjoy!

The gatekeeper of all things BlastFurniss, E.S. Furniss, invited me to spew forth an essay for the S’March of Metal festivities at his always-entertaining blog. First off, I’d like to thank E.S.; his blog is a ray of stimulating ideas and thoughts in my otherwise cloudy workday of close-minded simplicity.

Some of you may have seen my asinine comments at this very blog. Others may know my photo/video/beer swilling arse and wonder just why I’m showing up here. I wonder that also and I’ll do my best not to drop the quality of BlastFurniss to unacceptable levels. The Metal genre is primarily a male inhabited domain and I realize that women tend to nod off, or flat out run the other way, when the topic of Heavy Metal is broached. I encourage the ladies of BlastFurniss to stick around today and maybe I can give you some insight to how the male mind works. It’s just my way of helping you understand the whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From That Field Where They Filmed The Massengill Commercial phenomenon.

Metal is a very divisive genre; one man’s Slayer is another’s Def Leppard. Instead of discussing history, sub-genres or the dividing line between Hard Rock and Metal, I’m going to talk about the single biggest threat to Heavy Metal and those behind it. That’s right brothers and sisters; we’re going to take a peek at The Pussification Of America, or POA.

In the 1980’s metalheads cried that the PMRC (go google it, youngsters) were evil incarnate and would eventually wipe Metal from the record shops of America. Well the PMRC is an old ladies knitting club compared to POA. The PMRC focused primarily on music and movies that they deemed offensive or detrimental to 80’s youth. POA encompasses a much wider scope, going as far as even ignoring Metal. POA has adults worrying about rain and snow (Storm Team Alert!!) in way our parents never even thought about. POA has parents outfitting their bicycle-riding children like WWII soldiers hitting the beaches of Normandy. POA has our workplaces so politically correct that pretty much anything out of your mouth can send you walking the green mile to visit HR.

Thanks to POA, men aren’t allowed to be pissed off or angry anymore lest ye be deemed “emotionally unstable.” Try doing a home or auto repair project while a woman is nearby. Invariably, something will go wrong, a vital part will break, a wrench will slip or things will just not go at all how you expected. At this point, men of previous generations would throw a wrench, cuss for five minutes, have a beer and then reassess the situation. If the POA era DIY-er tries that, within the next 12-24 hours a woman will bring up the topic, “I think you have an anger management problem and should see a doctor…”

I’m sure you are wondering exactly what the hell my above ramblings have to do with Heavy Metal. Metal is the refuge of the pissed, Metal embraces you when you are angry, Metal cheers you up when you are depressed, Metal makes you raise your fist, shout and celebrate. Metal makes you feel alive. Metal takes aggressive emotions and distills them into music we can relate to.

Pissed, angry, depressed: terms that are considered undesirable or abhorrent in today’s world. Thanks to our fine pharmaceutical companies, our Oprah and Dr. Phil obsessed culture and doctors needing to pay for their BMW’s, you need never worry about displaying an emotion again.

Don’t mistake this for some kooky Tom Cruise-ian rant, I just think that our lives are over prescribed and over analyzed. I’m sure some pills might have kept good old Jeff Dahmer from drilling holes in his boy toys skulls. Mental health is a serious issue; I just don’t see where getting stressed, pissed or bummed out from time to time is a problem.

My last visit to the doctor, I sat in a waiting room full of C.H.U.D.’s for 30 minutes then was placed in a tiny exam room to sit for another 45 minutes in my skivvies. When the doctor arrived, I proceeded to rip his ass for wasting an hour plus of my time away from work, where I’m trying to earn money to pay his bill. He then had a 10-minute chat with me about how my getting aggravated isn’t healthy (or “normal”) and he could prescribe me with some wonderful pills that would keep me from getting upset over things. I just laughed at his suggestions, got in my car and cranked up Pantera’s Vulgar Display Of Power. In five minutes, I was bobbing my head and in a great mood. I guess I’m just an a-hole for expecting him to keep deadlines just like my employer expects me to. In POA, people aren’t supposed to be upset when kept waiting for long periods of time.

Walk around your local Wal-Mart and look at the lack of thought behind the eyes of the sheep, hell, drive around your local burg and count how long it takes people to respond to a green light. Thanks to POA and the happy pills that further the cause, we’ve become a nation of emotionless zombies who experience neither lows nor highs. Today’s youth are so jacked up on Ritalin and other mood altering drugs that Metal music is just noise to them. Who needs angry music when you are no longer angry?

Damn straight I’m angry, hell I’m angrier now than when I was a teenager. In my late teens-early 20’s I had no one to worry about but myself; it took little to get me by. If I didn’t like my job, I could quit at a moment’s notice. Now, I have a family to worry about; if I don’t like my job, tough cookies bub, you have others to provide for. Time to suck up to the teat of corporate America and take your beating. Metal keeps me going now more than ever. On your morning commute to a crap job? Crank up “Manowar” by Manowar and the day starts a little smoother. A rough week of dealing with teenagers, spouse, bills? Crank up some Slayer, it will make you coo like a baby and mellow you out more than a fistful of Prozac ever could.

Show me an adult male that lists Jack Johnson and John Mayer among his favorite artists and I’ll show you a medicated (castrated) man that has fallen prey to Pussification Of America. I see a Jack Johnson video and I dream of a 1970’s Robert Plant and Jimmy Page materializing to violate him with a mudshark (once again kids, google it). I hear a John Mayer song and I pray for Tony Iommi to drop a stack of Marshalls on John’s pouty face. I wouldn’t have these wonderful thoughts if I were doped up on happy juice, I’d probably get nervous and sick to my stomach if a Black Sabbath tune came out of the speakers.

Embrace your Metal, don’t pass it off as a teenage “phase.” Metal is fun, loud and immature. Metal will keep you from becoming your parents. Metal will make the crappy things seem less crappy. Metal will keep those POA bastards at bay for another day. So crank up some Judas Priest, let your kid take a lap without the bicycle helmet and live a little.

Hail And Kill,


Thursday, March 27, 2008

Moment of Truth My Ass

Would it be too much to ask to have two nice days in a row? Its no wonder the suicide rates are up. You wake up to gun powder skies and you just want to hang yourself rather than start the day kowtowing to your corporate overlords. Its amazing how my energy level dwindles according to the weather. There's some kinda clinical diagnosis for people who get depressed when the weather is lousy but about the only thing I find myself in agreement with Scientologists on is psychiatry. Ok...maybe I'm not that extreme. But just like we have a pill to "treat" (no one ever cures anything...the money is made in treatment, not cures) medical conditions, now every mood, every blip in our mental health is given a name. Can't we just have good moods and bad moods without being called bipolar? It doesn't take much to perk me up...heck, if someone brings in Krispy Kremes to work today it'll instantly become a good day.

The wife enjoys that new game show on Fox, The Moment of Truth. I'm sure you've at least seen the commercials....they hook you up to a lie detector and ask you 50 questions. If you're telling the truth, you make some serious cash. Lie and go home empty handed. Last night was the first time I've ever made it thru an entire episode and I must say, I'm continually amazed at how people will exploit themselves and destroy those around them in hopes of winning vast amounts of cash. The idiot contestants I could care less about. I think if they lie they should be subjected to a propane enema. They deserve whatever happens to them. Its their family members that I feel sorry for. They find out that their daughter is a tramp, their son a compulsive gambler who wears women's clothes, and that their spouse wishes they'd never married them but instead wishes she'd married the smarmy, abusive former boyfriend. Maybe its because I'm a foolishly decent human being (well, sometimes) but I would never put my spouse or family thru that kind of embarrassment. Its horrifying what people will do for 15 minutes of fame and a few greenbacks. I've decided that in watching this show I'm just as dirty as the idiots who go on the damn thing. This show is even worse than America's Funniest Videos....the humiliating kick in the crotch just isn't funny.

Exploiting people on national tv isn't anything new...Springer and Maury perfected this a long time ago. I guess the difference is that those talk shows really aren't any different than a circus freak show. Maury just substitutes baby daddys for the bearded lady. The Moment of Truth passes itself off as a game show and games are supposed to be entertaining. This show makes the girls on Bret Michaels Rock of Love look like saints by comparison. At least on Rock of Love the girls are only whoring themselves out on national tv. Sure their families might be embarrassed by their daughters antics, but at least they do it off camera. I've been slaughtered, gutted, and heartbroken by lots of women and at least they had the decency to do it privately.

Here's the real moment of truth: Why is it that the American people love to watch these train wrecks air their dirty laundry publicly? Its because we are a sick society that enjoys watching the carnage of the crash. Thanks to Tivo we can now freeze frame the exact moment where someones heart gets ripped out and rewind it over and over so we can relish in their misery. The Moment of Truth is like Prozac, Lexipro, Xanax and all the other mood altering chemicals we're being force numbs us to our own reality. There are no moments of truth, only an extended period of lies.

Coming tomorrow...a special guest blog from the legendary Old Man of Metal...Don't miss it.

S'March of Metal: SINNER- Diary Of Evil

Considering its the country that produced Wagner (the first heavy metal composer), its no surprise Germans love metal. Sure only the Scorpions or Accept have had big success (well, I don't know if Accept was BIG really) but Germans dig the metal. Take Sinner...they've been around and in relative obscurity for 25 years.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I'm Old

There's nothing more I enjoy than a good rock show. I've told many people that for me going to see a Springsteen show gives me the same spiritual uplift that a good churchgoer gets from their Sunday sermon. Monday's show was great..however, I spent yesterday just as tired as all get out. I was in bed by 8 o'clock last night. My back hurt, my legs ached and I was just exhausted. It wasn't that long ago it seems that I could stay up all night and go to work the next day and I'd be fine. Those days are long, long gone. Further proof of my advancing years, I took a look at my hair yesterday and was amazed by the amount of gray I'm sporting. So, due for a haircut anyway, I had my hair cut shorter than normal just so I wouldn't have to see the stuff. Its just a stop gap solution...they'll be back and stronger in numbers. Getting old blows but it beats death...most days anyway.

Springsteen show was killer. Band was tight. Something in the Night, Sherry Darling, Something in the Night and the glorious return of Rosalita were highlights. The setlist continues to heavily feature tunes from the new record Magic and they were mostly well received by the lame ass crowd. I thought I was old. The section me and Rory were in was filled by a bunch of people who didn't want to get off their asses to save their lives. After all the hubbub over the Cinci show on Saturday, it was good to see the band in fine form and rockin' hard. The Boss even barked at the Mighty Max Weinberg twice early on in the set to hammer down on those snares a little harder. According to internet reports the Springsteen boys, both teens, were spotted in the pit area with their arms crossed and a look of misery on their faces. Like most kids, they probably hate it when Dad takes them to the office. I bet they sure enjoy the lifestyle that Daddy's money provides tho.

Sometimes there is justice in the world....a bailout of Clear Channel, the evil empire that rules all of radio, appears in doubt due to, you guessed it, credit problems. I love to see Clear Channel suffer. They ruined radio and the concert industry so its nice to see them suffer in financial purgatory. The Justice Department has given the go ahead to the Sirius takeover of its on to the FCC for final approval. The FCC, one of the worst arms of the federal government, would be foolish to turn this merger down. Sure it would only leave one satellite radio provider but there is still competition out there in the market...namely Ipods. All I ask Sirius in return is not to raise my monthly charge any higher.

Considering how many jobs have been outsourced, I guess its only fitting that opening day of the baseball season was outsourced to Japan.

The more I see of Mrs. Clinton, Barry Hussein Obama, and Grandpa Munster (aka McCain) the more I'm certain that moving to Canada would be a wise move. I was telling people the other day that this nominating process has played out way too long. Under the BlastFurniss plan, a candidate would not be able to declare their candidacy until January 1 of the election year. A nationwide primary would be held the day after Memorial Day. Presidential Election Day's would be a national holiday. Everyone gets the day off. All businesses, including gas stations and grocery stores would be closed. Election Day would also be sponsored so it would have the feel of the Super Bowl (or at least a NASCAR event). People could tailgate outside their polling places and just turn it into one big party.

Someone asked me today "Did you watch American Idol last night?" "No", I replied "I have good taste in music."

Looks like YouTube and Blogger magically posted my delayed vids so I'll try to get some more S'March of Metal stuff up ASAP.

Some random thoughts from the Springsteen show:

I'd love to be 58 years old and move like the Boss. Dude is just amazing. I've never seen anyone with that kinda stage presence.

Nils Lofgren is the greatest 2nd guitarist ever. A truly underrated player.

Clarence Clemons is 66 years old. Has had two knees and a hip replaced. And he's BIG. REAL BIG. But when that man plays that horn magic happens. A lot of Bruce fans think the Boss has potential replacements lined up for the Big Man for when he hangs it up. That's just foolishness. You don't replace the Big Man. Like the Boss says, "you wanna be like him but ya can't."

Steve Van Zandt reminds me a lot of Keith Richards, only without the drugs and cockroach and ashes snorting. Whether he's going by Little Steven, Miami Steve, or Silvio Dante, he's just a cool dude who just lives and loves rock and roll.

Patti Scialfa, Mrs. Springsteen, has been sitting out on this leg of the tour. I didn't miss her.

I know of no other performer, with the catalog Springsteen has, who can get away with playing so many tunes from a new record. The Stones couldn't get away with it...the Who couldnt' do it...the only other artist who might be able to get away so much new material is Neil Young.

Driving home from the show I thought to myself "If I die on the way home, at least I'll die a happy man." Something about hearing Rosalita live for the first time in 20 years did my heart good.

Adam Raised a Cain is quite possibly my favorite Springsteen tune. I'm always amazed when I hear it just how angry of a song it is. It is the greatest song about fathers and sons I've ever heard. When I would play it in my room as a kid I would relate it to my relationship with my father. Now when I hear it I wonder if this is how my kids think of me. If I were to ever have anything inscribed on a tombstone, I think I'd want it to be "You're born into this life paying, for the sins of somebody else's past."

That's all for now.....tomorrow I promise to post non-Springsteen fare....

Monday, March 24, 2008

S'March of Metal-Iced Earth - Ten Thousand Strong

I kinda came into Iced Earth late in the game. Some of the former members of the band include Howard Stern show castmember Richard Christie (drums) and Rob Halford's replacement in Judas Priest, Tim "Ripper" Owens (whose life was the basis for the Mark Wahlberg flick Rock Star). Iced Earth is essentially Jon Schaeffer as the rest of the band seems to change regularly. They are to my knowledge, the only rock band who ever wrote a song about the battle of Gettysburg. I've always thought that Iced Earth, like Kamelot, would have been huge in the States had they emerged in the late 80's. Still, they have a huge following in Europe.

S'March of Metal-More Judas Priest - Love Bites

I hadn't seen this vid in ages and had to post it.

S'March of Metal: Judas Priest- The Green Manalishi

No one was happier than I was when Rob Halford rejoined Judas Priest. It is with great shame that I must confess I have never seen the Priest live. I'm hoping to change that next time they tour. They are indeed Metal Gods.

S'March of Springsteen

Is there anybody alive out there?

Youtube and Blogger are still having issues so again, apologies for the lack of Metal vids. Hopefully I'll be able to get some stuff posted by the end of the week.

Off to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band tonight in beautiful Value City Arena. Parking should be fun as the OSU basketball team has a game tonight at St. John Arena. I'm looking forward to tonight's show considering the mixed reviews I read on Saturday nights show in Cincinnati., which seems to have their lips firmly planted on the Boss's posterior, slammed the show. Long time Springsteen concertgoers say the pacing of the show was so fast it appeared he had a plane to catch. I'm sure even the Boss would have cringed at this one word review "perfunctory." The man is 58 years old and its unreasonable to expect him to ever play 3 to 4 hour marathons again but to play a show that came in at under two hours causes the mind to boggle. Posts from first time Springsteen concertgoers were nearly all favorable.

If history is any guide, tonight's show could be something sensational. When Springsteen has played a bad show (there haven't been many in his long history), he usually comes out and rips the roof off the joint the next night. Maybe he was just in a hurry to get home for Easter. If so, he probably shouldn't have scheduled a show the night before the holiday. The Cleveland show I saw in November at the beginning of the tour was the best E Street Band performance I've ever seen. The band is getting on in years and at this point, I treat each Springsteen show as if it could be my last. Clarence Clemons is 66 years old, has had two knees and a hip replaced and struggles to get down the stairs after the show. Organist Danny Federici has been missing from this leg due to treatment for skin cancer (tho he did make a surprise appearance last week in Indy and is expected to rejoin the band on the West Coast later this week). With the band off until Friday after tonight, I expect a MONSTER show tonight. I'll be satisfied with anything that can't be described as "perfunctory."

Its stuff like the miniseries of John Adams that keep me from cancelling HBO. The Tom Hanks production of the David McCullough book is one of the most brilliant pieces of television I've ever seen. Paul Giamatti is one of our finest living actors (so what if his Dad was responsible for suspending Pete Rose?). The entire cast dazzles. As rough as our current time is, under no circumstance would I have traded places with those American colonists. Some seriously brutal living conditions. My 8 year old is now traumatized after seeing some scenes depicting an outbreak of small pox in the Adams miniseries.

The Chinese are threatening to ban live broadcasts from the Olympics this summer. Wouldn't break my heart at all if the Olympics weren't held at all any more. Why in the world would the IOC award the Olympics to such an oppressive nation is beyond me. I guess they figured "Well, we let Hitler play host in 1936, why not Beijing?" You'd think the IOC would learn their lesson. I intend to boycott Chinese food until the Chinese Army pulls out of Tibet....that protest should last about a week or so. Then I'll cave. I love me some General Tso.

Congrats everyone...we've lived to see gasoline hit a new record price...the national average is now $3.26 a gallon. In a year we'll be remembering $3.26 as the good ol' days.

The History Channel is no more. No, it hasn't stopped broadcasting its now going to be known only as "History." That network used to be one of my faves but over the past couple years they've moved away from "All Hitler All the Time" to showing some really crappy fare. These days you're more likely to see programming about UFO's then you are about WWII or the Civil War. UFO's on the History Channel would sorta be like if the Food Network started running Ultimate Fighting. Of course, that would sort of take Iron Chef to a whole new level tho.

Thanks to a roadside bomb, the U.S. death toll in Iraq finally hit 4,000 over the Easter weekend. We've now been in Iraq longer than we were involved in WWII and its gone on longer than the Civil War. Sadly, you would be hard pressed some days to even know we were in a war. Seems like the tv networks just don't want to talk about it. The presidential candidates certainly aren't talking about it all that much. Then again, why would they?

I nearly crapped my pants yesterday when flipping thru the Best Buy and Circuit City ads in the Sunday paper. Both ads made mention that the stores would be closed Easter Sunday. As godless as corporate America is I thought they'd both be open hoping to sell some big tv's during the NCAA tourney.

Have a great Monday........BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Good Friday? Not So Far

Once again the S'March of Metal has been derailed due to problems posting vids from YouTube....I'm sure the videos will pop up...might end up being next month but I'm sure it'll be taken care of. We missed out on Iced Earth and Judas Priest yesterday.

Happy Good Friday...If Jesus sees his shadow we can look forward to six more weeks of winter...Oh I kid! I kid! I wonder how Jesus would feel about people marking the day he was crucified. Personally, if I were the one nailed to the cross I'd go out of my way to block the memory from my mind.

I'm sure Mel Gibson, masochist that he is, probably wakes up with a big woody on Good Friday. Dude seems to get off on the violent death of Christ. Maybe Mel will get liquored up and go utter some anti-Semitic remarks to a cop in celebration of the holy day.

So since its Good Friday, that means Easter Sunday is this weekend. Just doesn't feel very Easterish. Might have something to do with the crappy weather and the fact winter doesn't seem to want to release us from its icy grip. Nothing like an Easter egg hunt in the snow.

I'll never understand how we went from Christ on a cross to chocolate bunnies and brightly colored eggs. Nor will I ever understand when it was that Easter became a mini-Christmas. When I was a kid I'd maybe get a pack of baseball cards or a couple comic books in my basket along with an overwhelming amount of jelly beans and chocolate. Now you can go sit on the Easter bunny's lap and get your picture taken and hand your parents Easter lists. I sort of get it...lots of presents on Christ's birthday so lots of presents to celebrate the resurrection. Still, I think its bogus. That being said, the Easter bunny is gonna be awfully good to my stable of kids this weekend.

Despite the need for bigger baskets, Easter doesn't seem like that big of a deal anymore. When I was a kid it was the second or third biggest holiday of the year. Now its somewhere around Memorial Day or the 4th of July. Probably even behind those days cuz we get the 4th of July and Memorial Day off work. Easter is always a Sunday and we always have Sunday off. So maybe Easter is really just Valentine's have chocolate and flowers associated with both holidays. So really Easter is just Valentine's Day with a ham.

Some people (I call them devout Catholics) still take Easter seriously. I can't remember if its in the Philippines or Indonesia...but some Asian group each year nails someone to the cross in celebration. No one can ever tell the lucky bastard who has the spikes driven thru his hands that he doesn't love Jesus. Those are some crazy mofo''d have to be a true believer to do that. I'd rather be a Civil War reenactor than a Crucifixion reenactor any day of the week.

I'm off to hop down the bunny trail...have a swell weekend.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Can I Play With Madness?

Read a stat yesterday that says American companies lose nearly 2 billion bucks in worker productivity during the first two days of the NCAA men's basketball tourney. I used to really enjoy the tournament but in the past few years I've had little interest unless OSU is involved. I nearly always took the first two days of the tourney off. I'd make a run to Subway bout half hour before gametime and just plop on my ass for two straight days. I guess maybe its hit me that I'm just not that much of a basketball fan and its kinda stupid to burn a couple vacation days to sit around and watch something I don't like that much. I'd be better served taking a day off to watch an X Files marathon on Sci Fi. Come to think of it...I don't seem to make it to Subway much either. Used to go all the time before, in reaction to Quizno's, they began asking me if I wanted my sub toasted. I love to tell them "no thank you, I'm allergic to toast" just to see the confused look in their meat packing, cheese slingin' eyes. Subway and the NCAA tourney....two things that just don't matter much anymore.

I haven't even filled out a bracket this year.

Opening day of the baseball season hasn't meant as much since the official opener stopped being held in Cincinnati. The season opens up next week in freakin' Japan.

If you didn't catch South Park last night, make sure you catch the replay tonight. The boys cross paths with Britney Spears when she visits South Park. Very entertaining. Oh..spoiler...something really awful happens to Ms. Spears.

Have you caught the Root of All Evil with Lewis Black? Very funny. I enjoy Lewis Black. Last weeks first episode was a debate over who was more evil...the Catholic Church or Oprah (Lewis Black ruled that Oprah was). Last night's ep was between Donald Trump and Viagra. Its on the DVR at home. Check that one out too if you get a chance.

Someone dies on Lost tonight. I've avoided any other spoilers. Don't wanna know who gets it.

I don't know if I've ever hated a celebrity more than I hate J-Lo. Fat ass no talent.

Osama bin Laden released a new tape today..made some threats to blow up some Europeans cuz of a cartoon depiction of Mohammed....on a lighter note, bin Laden says he's a big fan of the Jonas Brothers and likes Memphis to win the NCAA tourney.

Its no secret that I'm a huge Springsteen fan...what I'm not a fan of is other Springsteen fans. Too many of them are caught living in 1978. By all accounts the show in Milwaukee the other night was amazing. Yet the internet message boards are clogged up with people wondering about Clarence Clemons health and gripes that the shows don't last as long as they used to. Well, Clarence is 66, has had both knees and a hip replaced...which when you're the Big Man or the Little Man it takes a lot out of you. Plus, did I mention he's 66 freaking years old? Bruce is 58. You can't expect him to play 3 to 4 hour marathons anymore. He's still playing 24-27 songs a night and puts on an over 2 hour show. Looking forward to the show Monday in Columbus.

S'March of Metal in its final days...already thinking about the next musical celebration. Might run some theme weeks once a month. If you have any S'March of Metal requests, send 'em along.

Go watch some basketball....I've gotta go try out for the local arena football team...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

S'March of Metal Slayer - Eyes Of The Insane

I've never been a big fan of Slayer. They won a Grammy award for least they were more metal than other best metal performace Grammy winner Jethro Tull.

And I Say To Myself...What A Wonderful World?

I'm in a foul mood...don't know if its just the weather or the state of the world. Barack Obama gave a fantastic speech yesterday on the state of racial relations in the U.S. of A. all because his minister said somethings that were perceived as "anti-white." I find it strange Obama was forced to essentially apologize for his minister's comments. No one has held John McCain accountable for speaking at anti-Catholic Bob Jones University. Not only does BJU (heh heh heh....B...J...U...pervs) hate Catholics they also have a ban on interracial dating. McCain must really hate Catholics but he was pleased with the endorsement of John Hagee, a man who has compared Catholics to devils. Speaking of McCain, the man gave a speech yesterday and got confused as to who exactly we're fighting in the middle east. No wonder he thinks we'll be there 100 years...its gonna take him that long to understand the issues.

By the is the 5th anniversary of our madcap adventure in Iraq. No weapons of WMD's, no links to al Qaeda...all Bush's folly has cost us is 4,000 lives, 30,000 wounded, tens of thousands of dead and injured Iraqis, and trillions of dollars of your tax dollars. I thought this war was to have paid for itself in Iraqi oil profits? Meanwhile cost of oil is at a record price, we're getting bled dry at the pump, the grocery store, and every place else. The Taj Mahal has stopped taking the American dollar cuz its only worth 64 cents. Art dealers in New York City..New York Freakin' City are now only accepting Euros as payment. Meanwhile, we're now assisting in a bailout of banks because their investments blew up in their faces. Its a wonderful world we live in my friends......

Some other things that are pissing me off today:

Sirius Satellite Radio's Hair Nation insists on playing a heavy dose of acoustic Don Dokken. My god, what a freakin' musical abortion this is. Dokken should be tarred and feathered for this. Speaking of the wigged one, he and the increasingly annoying Sebastian Bach are opening up for Poison on a summer shed tour. I think I'll be sitting that package out.

Iron Maiden is playing Cleveland in June. I think I'll go to that show instead.

I think the older I get the less tolerance for ass kissers I have. Nothing worse than watching an adult suck up to their boss.

I think Van Halen's output with Sammy Hagar is just a notch above Don Dokken's acoustic record.

As if reality tv wasn't proof enough that we seem to have lost our creative way, now comes word of a new version of 90210...what is this one set at a senior center? What's next? CSI Peoria? Law and Order Shoplifting Unit?

Anyone who buys the new Bionic Woman dvd set deserves a kick in the crotch.

I don't if any musician has been more overhyped and overrated than Moby.

Nothing and I mean NOTHING makes me want to commit a hate crime more than seeing someone wearing one of those Bluetooth headsets. God I hate these people more than anything. Show me someone wearing one of these and driving a Hummer and I'll show you someone who needs to be stomped on.

I think its a toss up between dilaudid and vicodin giving me the best high of my life.

I do not advocate torture except for those people who watch Dancing With the Stars.

Memo to Paul McCartney....I have 49 million reasons why you should never marry again. Eliot Spitzer got off a lot cheaper with his whore.

That's all I've got for today...enjoy the rain.

S'March of Metal: Gorgoroth - Revelation Of Doom

From Wikipedia "According to Gorgoroth vocalist Gaahl, "Black Metal was never meant to reach an audience.... [We] had a common enemy which was, of course, Christianity, socialism and everything that democracy stands for." These are some kooky dudes. Gaahl is a follower of Norwegian Shamanism and the band goes to great lengths to protect their lyrics from being printed out of fear they will lose their meaning. Either that or they're afraid their lyrics are pretty stupid and don't want anyone to make fun of them.

S'March of Metal-Deicide 'Homage for Satan'

I was never a big fan of "death metal" or "devil metal" or whatever ya wanna call it. Deicide kinda sums up the genre. Glen Benton's inverted cross gives ya a clue that you're listening to the devil's music.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

S'March of Metal: Venom

The OMOM of metal must have read my mind....I was gonna get to Venom this week so I bumped up a few days. Always thought they were one of the better black metal bands. Another band who are metal surviors. Formed way back in 1979..that was so long ago Rick Allen of Def Lep still had two arms! How can you not love a band whose original lead singer went by the stage name of Jesus Christ? BRILLIANT and VERY metal. Play it loud!

Rainy Days & People Always Get Me Down

Bet you never thought I'd make a Carpenters reference did ya? Speaking of the Carpenters...I still don't understand eating disorders...who doesn't like to eat? I'd have felt sorry for Karen Carpenter if her music hadn't offended me so much. Something very icky about a brother and sister singing love songs to each other. See also Osmond: Donnie and Marie.

I see the drummer of ABBA died. What did he realize he played with one of the crappiest musical acts ever and decide to take his life? I realize its been ruled accidental but I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he realized he was in ABBA and took his own life.

The lead singer of Led Zeppelin drummer Jason Bonham's band "Bonham" (what an original name that was) died over the weekend. Guess he had pneumonia than acquired a staph infection which caused his organs to shut down. Sounds grizzly. The first Bonham record was passable early 90's generic rock. I don't recall their second release.

You know who I'm surprised isn't responsible for more sucides? Rush. They might just be the worst band of all time. How can anyone tolerate Geddy Lee's vocals? Too describe them as shrill would be a compliment. I find their playing to be void of emotion. I could care less if Neal Peart is a "professor of percussion." Their music is beyond awful. If hell has a soundtrack it sounds a lot like Rush.

Van Halen has rescheduled their cancelled Columbus appearance for the first week in May. If you buy an advance ticket for this you're as stupid as a Rush fan. With a 100 percent metaphysical certitude I believe Edward Van Halen will NEVER grace a stage again....unless he stumbles across one of the way to the bar.

The end of Van Halen of course will allow David Lee Roth to team with Paul Stanley to form the rock version of Siegfried and Roy. Those girls will have fun fighting with kitties in a cage...GROWL!

Did any man ever look better with a scarf on his head than Little Steven?

6 days till I see Springsteen next week.

Our humble little crap town will welcome Molly Hatchet to the annual Popcorn Festival this year. Prepare yourselves for 90 minutes of Flirtin' With Disaster. I don't know anyone who doesn't enjoy that song tho. Its right up there with Carl Douglas and Kung Fu Fighting as classics from the American songbook.

Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams are touring this summer. I'd pray for an airplane crash to wipe them out but they can't give records away much less sell them these days. I don't know of anyone in rock that ever betrayed his talent like Rod Stewart. Every Picture Tells a Story is one of my ten favorite albums of all time. His cover of The First Cut is the Deepest is tear inducing. But from Tonight's the Night on he was a pussy.

I think I like to say "Voivod" more than I like to hear Voivod.

The new Black Crowes record came in 5th on the Billboard charts its first week out. It amazes me just how few records are sold these days. I think within 3 years the pre-recorded cd will have gone the way of the vinyl record. Will be for serious collectors only.

I love Sirius Satellite Radio and the Buzzsaw channel in particular..however, there is no reason for them to EVER play April Wine. They suck nearly as bad as Rush.

Boston is going on tour this summer with Stryper vocalist Michael Sweet stepping in for Brad Delp. Delp would have signed on I'm sure but he's still dead. I just can't imagine Sweet singing Boston's classics. Tom Scholz always claimed to be "brains" behind the band but Delp was as close to a soul as the band had. I hate Boston nearly as much as I hate Journey. The other thing those bands have in common is without Brad Delp, and in Journey's case, Steve Perry...there's no point in seeing either band.

Bad Company is also making the same mistake. They are hitting the road this summer with Robert Hart who replaced Brian Howe who replaced Paul Rodgers. Whats the point? I didn't buy Bad Company with Howe so why would I buy 'em with Hart (who actually replaced Howe the first time in 1996). Bad Company is Paul Rodgers...of course he's busy trying to replace Freddie Mercury in Queen (and despite liking Paul's voice, no one could ever replace Mercury but maybe George seriously).

I think my wife is right when she says its hard to go see a band when they've replaced their singer. Off the top of my head the only bands that I can think of that succeeded or improved when they changed singers are the following: Deep Purple, Rainbow, AC/DC (probably most successful swap of singers ever...tho I prefer Bon Scott),Van Halen (tho I hate the Hagar era, they did sell records...the Cherone era was an epic flop), Iron Maiden (Bruce Dickinson yes, Blaze Blazely not so much) and Genesis (Peter Gabriel to Phil Collins tho was like a completely different band). Does anyone remember the record Foreigner made in the early 90's without Lou Gramm? Or when Genesis tried to carry on without Phil Collins? What was the point of having Todd Rundgren attempt to replace Ben Orr AND Ric Ocasek in The Cars?

Thanks for stopping by today....I'm off to see if any bands are looking to replace their I can beat the snot out of them.

S'March of Metal: Anvil - Metal On Metal

Another staple of the old Pepsi Power Hour on MuchMusic was Anvil. I was never a big fan but they have a cult following and are metal survivors.

S'March of Metal:Voivod - The Tower

Voivod is a band you either love, or you hate...there is no middle ground with these guys. A lot of people thought Jason Newstead was crazy when he left Metallica to join up with these guys but after the BS of the Metallica documentary, who could blame him? Plus, unlike Metallica, Voivod never sold out.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Day

I'm not Irish and I'm not a practicing Catholic, but how can you not love a holiday dedicated to the patron saint of alcoholics? I can get behind a holiday that revels in public drunkeness. I just wish the holiday fell in a warmer month.

Among holidays I have to rate St. Patrick's Day somewhere in the top five. It definitely tops Valentine's Day (too expensive), Sweetest Day (too stupid), Arbor Day (go green and plant a tree or drink green beer? Hmmmm...tough call) and Mother's and Father's Days. Spent last year's St. Patty's Day in Cleveland where downtown became a massive drunk fest. This year's St. Patty's Day is unique in that it falls during holy week meaning that good Catholics can't partake in the "feast." Not being a good Catholic I can do whatever the hell I want.

Ya know if the Catholic Church had a St. Patty's Day vibe year round, I bet it would boost their dwindling attendance numbers. If a sports team had the declining attendance the Catholic Church does, they'd be forced to relocate. They need to create a party atmosphere where God and faith are something to celebrate than dread and fear. Here's some other ways the Catholic Church can modernize and boost the number of members:

Let priests get married-lets face it, after the epidemic of priest molestations, this would go a long ways toward restoring the faith of the flock. Plus, if you've never been married how can you counsel those who are married. Being married is a lot like being in war. If you've never been there, you don't know what its like.

Let go of the hatred of the divorced-This is really a bad business practice by the Catholics. Just because I'm divorced doesn't mean my money's no good. Should you really be rejecting a customer just because he came home and found his wife banging the mailman and divorced her?

Encourage the use of birth control: The world is overcrowded and there are lots of diseases out there. This is probably the edict of the church that gets broken most often anyway.

Public executions-In addition to allowing priests to get married, if a priest is found to have molested children, have public executions in the Vatican. Show us you mean business when you say you're going to crackdown on this kinda stuff.

New nun outfits-Bad habits are hard to break (there's a joke in there)....Isn't it time we outfitted our nuns in some outfits? Surely the Vatican can team up with some top designers and come up with some fancy new colorful outfits. Hey, I like to wear black as much as possible too but maybe more people would turn out to church if you lightened your look. Quit being so dark and gloomy.

Tastier sacraments-I've proposed this idea before but if you're serving the body of Christ, shouldn't it be the most delicious thing you've ever tasted? If you're eating something that is supposed to symbolize Jesus shouldn't you be left wit the desire to have another bite than to want to spit it out?

One last note on the Irish...despite making many fine contributions to pop music, the Irish haven't done much in the way of metal. Surprising really when you think of it. Metal is working class music and the Irish are the very definition of working class.

Just a quick update on Kbone far we've raised $1.25. Only $5498.75 and Kbone will be able to enjoy an hour with one of Eliot Spitzer's girls. C'mon people...dig deep and make this wish come true.

I'm off to dye the Scioto River green....when it floods later at least it'll be festive.

S'March of Metal-Primordial - Gallows Hymn

More Irish metal...nothing says St. Patrick's Day like black metal.

S'March of Metal-Celtic Legacy - Resurrection

In honor of St. Patty's day, its Irish metal today....slim pickin's let me tell ya. I've heard good things about Celtic Legacy...described as Thin Lizzy meets Maiden..this one is audio only.

Friday, March 14, 2008

S'March of Metal: Valient Thorr

A suggestion from the O.M.O.M. its Valient Thorr live from Fuel TV with Heatseeker...Primal Viking Metal for a Friday.

KBone Aid

I got a call last night from one of my best pals KBone....KBone is a regular reader of the blog and posts on occassion (like when I'm making fun of the Pittsburgh Steelers gay mascot Steely McBeam). KBone saw the posts yesterday on Eliot Spitzer's hooker and took a liking to her. So much of a liking that he asked if I could float him $5500 or at least $70 cuz he'd probably only last 3 minutes......this got me to thinking....maybe I could hold some kinda fundraiser for KBone....let's face it....most fundraisers are downers. They are always for sick kids, flooded cities, or crippled people. What's wrong with raising money so a dude can get laid by a high class prostitute?

Its no secret that I'm a class warrior..I hate the rich and corporate America. I'm an aspiring working class hero. I'm sick of paying more for gas cuz some wealthy bastard drives a Hummer that gets 8 miles to the gallon. I'm tired of having to put off Dr's visits cuz the co-pay costs and prescription drugs don't fit the budget. But the final insult was Eliot Spitzer spending 80 grand on hookers while working folk like me have to settle for common crack whores. Buy God working class folk deserve to eat fillet mignon too. Lets help KBone get from the outhouse to the penthouse.....KBone Aid.....because of you he gets laid for all of us.....please feel free to post your comments on the best way to raise money to make this dream come true. Maybe we can get some kinda corporate sponsorship or hold an auction.

I'm in serious pain today. Freakin' wisdom teeth are shooting 10,000 watts of pain thru my jaw. I put off getting the things yanked and I'm paying for it. Made the appointment today but its gonna be a few weeks before the oral surgeon can get me in. One day I'll learn not to procrastinate. How was I to know my dentist knew more about my teeth than I did? God bless my regular dentist tho...they called me in some pain drugs and antibiotics so I should last for awhile. Nothing says love like vicodin.

I got to thinkin'....$5550 bucks an hour sounds like a lot to pay for sex but anyone who has ever been divorced will tell ya they paid a much higher price for sex.

I have absolutely NO March Madness thus far. Maybe if Ohio State knocks off Michigan State today and can sneak into the tournament I'll feel differently. I always watch the Ohio and Big 10 schools in the tourney but I'm not feeling it this year. I don't even know if I'll fill out a bracket.

Going to the Funny Bone tomorrow night. I don't know why I don't go there more often. I enjoy standup comedy gigs and comedy clubs in general. Saw Dave Attell at the Funny Bone a couple years back and he has to rank as the funniest man I've ever seen live. If you have HBO keep an eye out for the Captain Miserable special of his that ran last year. You can get most of it on YouTube now.

More Viking Metal on the way...dig deep in your pockets and into your heart to help KBone...make his wish come true...

S'March of Metal Amon Amarth-The Pursuit of Vikings

Valhalla I am coming!!!!!!!!!! The bands name is Elvish for Mount Doom...these are serious Tolkien fans!

S'March of Metal-Bathory - One Rode To Asa Bay

Some Friday Viking Metal! Hail Quorthon metal god!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

S'March of Metal-Death Angel-Bored

I was never a fan of thrash metal. I'm only running this vid for a bit of nostaliga for me and the OMOM and the hours we spent watching the Pepsi Power Hour on MuchMusic...You could always count on Lee Aaron, Voivod (with VOIVOD!) and Death Angel in every single episode.

$5500 an Hour For Her? Seriously?

This lady makes $5500 bucks an hour pleasuring politicians. How much would you pay her to service you? Reports indicate that the governor of New York paid out $80,000 for hookers...which comes out to about 14.5 hours of their services at the rate of $5500 an hour. Sadly, despite this groundbreaking achievement in putting people back to work in a sagging economy, the Governor has been forced to resign. Sad that Eliot Spitzer's initiative to stimulate the economy (as well as himself) was so sadly denounced in the court of public opinion. We need outside the box thinking like this in our current economic climate.
I give the Democrats credit for one thing...all their sex scandals at least involve heterosexual behavior. Unlike the GOP and their bathroom trysts. If Spitzer is guilty of anything its arrogance. Did he think he could actually get away with this? Personally, I feel I've been screwed by politicians for years and never seen a dime out of it so I'm happy this girl got paid handsomely.
What would you do for $5500 an hour? In today's economic climate I bet a lot.
How long before Playboy comes after Spitzer's ho? Who will win the booking war to get her on the tv news magazines? This chick stands to be the most celebrated whore since Monica Lewinsky.
Like magic, over night every video I attempted to post over the past few days showed up on the blog. The S'March of Metal rolls on again! More vids to come today.
Van Halen has cancelled every tour date thru April 19. Valerie Bertinelli says Eddie isn't in where is he? I would be SHOCKED if the band resumes this tour. I suspect Ed is on a major bender or lying somewhere in a pool of vomit.
Proof that nothing ever really goes away....The CW is working on a spin-off/sequel to Beverly Hills 90210. Didn't that show go off the air 15 years ago?
South Park returned last night with an excellent AIDS themed episode. If you haven't seen it yet, Comedy Central re-airs it tonight. Cartman goes in to have his tonsils removed but leaves the hospital with something much worse. Magic Johnson (in animated form) guest stars. I'm not just sure you need to see this episode, I'm HIV positive you do. has the trailer to the upcoming Incredible Hulk movie....I dunno what to think about ain't no Iron Man.
Thats all I've got today....I'll do better tomorrow.....I'm not just sure of it...I'm HIV positve I will....

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Dave Clark Five

'Bout freakin' time they got into the rock hall

Candlemass - Dark Reflections Live

I had a roommate once who swore these guys where the heaviest band ever. I never saw it. Candlemass

Judas Priest - Metal Gods

If this has posted then it means the S'March of Metal rolls on....

S'March of Metal-Judas Priest - Metal Gods

Technical problems delayed the S'March of Metal but did not stop it. British Steel is one of the five greatest metal records ever. Solid from start to finish.

S'March of Metal: Raven - Don't Need Your Money

Don't know much about Raven but this NWOBHM band seems to have a bit of a cult following on the intergoogles.

S'March of Metal: Iron Maiden - Running Free

OMOM's talk of Maiden's Killers the other day inspired me to find some more footage of the original Maiden. This is one of my all time fave Maiden tunes.

S'March of Metal: Motorhead - Killed By Death

Technical problems yesterday kept vids from getting posted. Can't have enough Motorhead....

S"March of Metal-Iron Maiden Wasted Years

You didn't think I'd ignore the Dickinson era Maiden during NWOBHM week did ya? Always loved the guitar intro on this tune.

S'March of Metal-Motorhead - Iron Fist

Screw it...its Motorhead day...Iron Fist is classic metal.Four minutes of musical fury that pulls your pants down and mocks you with its brilliance.

S'March of Metal Motorhead - Killed By Death

Crank it up for of my all time fave tunes.

S'March of Metal Motorhead - Killed By Death

You can never have enough Motorhead and this is one of my fave all time tunes.

Things That Suck...Expanded Edition

I've become kinda lazy when it comes to updating the Things That Suck and Things That Don't Suck feature of the blog. Thought I'd make up for that today.

Does any band suck harder and deeper than Nickelback? Now comes word that Chad Kroeger, the band's lead singer, claims he can gratify himself...orally......just when you thought Nickelback couldn't suck any more than they already do, Kroeger comes out with that revelation. Maybe if they spent more time trying to sound original and writing better songs rather than trying to blow themselves, Nickelback wouldn't be a complete abomination.

Does anything suck more right now than gas prices? Up to $3.45 yesterday and oil prices opened higher today. There is a place in California that is already charging over 5 bucks a gallon now. I'm starting to look over my expenses to see what I can trim to save a few bucks. Right now I have 3 potential budget cuts....smoking, HBO, and Sirius. Of the 3 I think I could live without HBO the easiest. These are incredibly sucky times we live in my friends.

Best Buy really sucks. Their employees are as knowledgeable as the average pre-school class. Their stores are sloppy and their product selection has slipped drastically. Worse than the ill kept stores and idiot employees, is the rudeness of the employees. I can overlook stupidity but rude behavior, not so much. I decided to take my business to Circuit City but their long term outlook looks pretty fact, we might see Sun TV stores rise from the ashes before we Circuit City reemerge as a competitor of Best Buy.

Statistics suck. One in 100 Americans is in prison. One in four teenage girls has an STD. Well, who are the girls getting the STD's from? Are they getting it from teenage girl on girl action or do two in four boys have an STD? We don't know cuz the people who came up with the numbers don't tell us. Meanwhile, if you don't have an STD, odds are you're probably locked up in jail. By those numbers, at least one member of my high school graduating class is probably locked up behind bars. Just one? I thought for sure there would be at least ten of them put away forever. I don't look for anything to change in regards to harsh jail time being issued by the judges. The prison industry is the only industry in America that seems to be growing.

YouTube sucks...or Blogger does...for reasons I cannot determine YouTube vids aren't posting to the blog meaning the S'March of Metal has been knocked off track. I can't seem to figure out what the problem is and the tech support from both ends isn't much help. Gonna spend several hours tonight trying to determine the problem and get it fixed.

The music industry sucks. I think within a couple years you won't see cd's in stores any more. I can't really fault someone like John Mellencamp selling out his music to the auto industry given how unfriendly radio and retail are to artists these days. The Eagles sold a ton of records due to their Wal Mart exclusive. Now comes word Journey will also go the WalMart only route. Paul McCartney went thru Starbucks but given their setbacks I don't think we'll see much more in the way of records from them. I think corporate sponsorship may be the only way music gets heard. I had high hopes for satellite radio but I don't see where they've made major gains in the marketplace. Terrestial radio stopped breaking bands a long time ago.

Here's something that doesn't suck...America's best social satire, South Park, returns to the airwaves tonight with all new episodes.

Blockbuster sucks. After having a membership there for 10 years they asked for a credit card when I rented a couple Nintendo Wii games. When I asked why they said "because with the newer systems if you don't return them we have to have a credit card to bill them to." Hmmm...I if I rented some Playstation 2 games you wouldn't have asked me for a credit card? "Yes sir....we only ask for the Wii, the Xbox 360 and PS3 because of the higher cost of the games." You do realize that Wii games pretty much cost the same as a PS2 game don't you? I mean the difference is 10 bucks at most...."I'm sorry sir its just our policy" Well your policy is stupid and I hate you.

Corporate America has us all by the balls and there is not a damn thing we can do about it....and that sucks.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Bits & Pieces

I am not the biggest fan of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Halls of Fame are so mainstream and rock music to me has always operated best at a grassroots level. But rock music is a form of art and art is generally housed in a museum. Maybe I'd be more supportive if the Rock Hall didn't seem to have a bias against hard rock. I think its a crime that Kiss, Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop, and Warren Zevon to name but a few have been excluded. However, after watching last nights induction ceremony, I've determined no one has been screwed harder than the Dave Clark Five.

While Black Sabbath and AC/DC were forced to wait much longer for induction than a lot of other bands (R.E.M. for instance), they eventually got in the first time they had enough votes. The same can not be said for the Dave Clark 5. The DC5 actually had enough votes to get in last year when Jann Wenner, head of Rolling Stone and the Rock Hall, put the kibosh on their induction in favor of Grandmaster Flash. Seems Jann, who is one of those dudes who discovers that he's gay when he's 50, wanted more diversity in the class of 2007. So the DC5 was left out in the cold. Over the past year the DC5 became the Dave Clark 3 as two members of the band including lead singer Mike Smith, died.

While not a fan of hip hop, I don't dispute its influence on music and culture. But thanks to Jann Wenner's iron hand, a more deserving band was kicked to the curb in favor of political correctness. By all means, Grandmaster Flash should have been the one waiting it out, or they could have just slid both acts in and covered the whole thing up.

I still don't understand what Madonna ever did that was "rock" but considering there are so many "non-rock" acts in the hall I don't hold it against her. She gave perhaps the dullest speech I've ever heard last night tho Justin Timberlake's induction speech was solid. The highlight of the Madonna induction was her selection of Iggy and the Stooges to play her tunes. They tore that stage up. Hopefully next year Iggy will finally get inducted. The man is the godfather of punk.

For about a four record run in the late 80's and early 90's I thought John Mellencamp was one of the most exciting artists around. Before Scarecrow I sorta lumped him in with Bryan Adams as generic corporate rock. But with Scarecrow and its follow up Lonesome Jubilee, Mellencamp truly emerged. I think the latter period Mellencamp has reverted back to generic rock but I give him props for the run he had. His speech last night was nerve grating. When you have to talk about yourself as being a rebel then you aren't much of a rebel. For instance if you have to name your band Danger, Danger then I don't think you're very dangerous. If you are Motley Crue and declare yourselves the "bad boys of rock" then you aren't so bad.

Gotta love the Ventures...Walk Don't Run and the theme to Hawaii Five-O are killer tunes. As a fan of early to mid 70's pre disco soul music I was pleased to see Gamble and Huff get the props they deserve. If You Don't Know Me By Now, Backstabbers, Only the Strong Survive, Expressway to Your Heart, and Me and Mrs. Jones are tunes that any songwriter would have sold his soul to write. As producers their sound was just as unique as Phil Spector's (and Gamble and Huff never killed anyone). Gamble and Huff pioneered the Philadelphia sound which joined Motown and Stax as the three jewels in the crown of soul.

Random thoughts on last night's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony: Billy Joel sure is fat and bald....John Fogerty never ages....John Mellencamp's wife is smokin' hot....I could live to be a 1,000 years old and never understand the appeal of Leonard Cohen....For having a bias against hard rock/metal, they sure love to use Led Zep clips as filler in the broadcast of the ceremony...The Dave Clark Five was better than I gave them credit for in fact, their early work was better than the Beatles (but that changed in a hurry).....I think Mellencamp's music became much less interesting when he parted ways with Kenny Arnoff who is one of the great rock drummers. I think the ceremony should always be held in Cleveland (which plays host in 2009).

I'm off to score hookers for the governor....

Monday, March 10, 2008

Crap, Crap and More Crap

For reasons unknown, I'm still plagued with problems uploading videos for the S'March of Metal. Rest assured, I'm working on it and hope to resume the S'March of Metal just as soon as possible.

Every bone and muscle in my out of shape body aches. Hours upon hours of snow shoveling have reduced me to a cranky, achy, grumpy old man. On top of that I believe I now have bronchitis. You know you're old when you start to complain about your health. Next thing ya know I'll be suggesting salt and butter substitutes to my friends.

While out shoveling Saturday some nimrod got himself stuck in front of my house. I eventually went to help him but I made him wait about 15 minutes before I did. If he was stupid enough to be out driving around in that crap he deserved the 15 minutes of wondering how the hell he was gonna get out of that mess. Perhaps next time he'll realize that a Geo Tracker just isn't built to handle a foot and a half of snow.

You know what would make a fortune? A beer that stimulates hair growth and solves erectile dysfunction. If someone invented that they'd win a Nobel Prize.

I had some serious cabin fever over the weekend. Felt good to get out of the house yesterday to make a run for smokes. Killing myself slowly has never felt more rewarding. I made it to Blockbuster Friday before things got too bad. Picked up some stupid comedies to pass the time. Witnessed several near accidents, caused not by the weather but the arrogance of SUV and pickup truck drivers. Something about four wheel drive vehicles and bad weather seems to bring out the worst in people. I guess the bad weather enables them to justify their purchase of a vehicle that is draining the world's oil supply. The BlastFurniss band aid to our record fuel prices is to enact a heavy tax against the sale of SUV's and vehicles that don't meet higher fuel standards. Wanna buy a $50,000 Hummer? Go ahead...just be prepared to pay a $50,000 tax on top of it.

Incredibly little to be found on television over the weekend so I'm glad I rented flicks. Only thing worthwhile I found is Chiller now shows reruns of the gone before its time Fox series Millenium with Lance Henrikson. I'd forgotten just how much I enjoyed that show. Very creepy. Now I'm gonna have to go and pick up all 3 seasons on DVD.

You know I'm a sucker for's one that ranks the top frontmen of the 80' does anyone beat Diamond Dave? :

Speaking of Dave...the Van Halen tour is supposed to resume this week. What are the odds it actually happens?

I'm off in search of Vicodin and a fix for my video posting problem.

Friday, March 7, 2008

S'March of Winter

Apologies for lack of vids yesterday...Wasn't my fault...either Blogger or YouTube was messed up. Gods of Metal willing we'll have plenty of cool stuff to check out today.....but right now I'm not counting on it.

I'm blaming the technical problems on the S'March of Winter....Winter 2008 appears to be the winter that will never end. For the third or fourth weekend in a row my plans stand to be shattered due to bad weather. I need a vacation. Think its time to head to Austin and go to the South by Southwest Festival (which is being broadcast by Directv this year by the way so look for me). All this bad weather has made me a loathsome SOB.

I've posted before how much I enjoy Sirius Satellite Radio but a threat to their programmers...if you insist on continuing to play so much Motley Crue I will be forced to hunt you down and drag your bodies thru the streets. No one likes Motley Crue so much that you need to play them every 30 minutes on 7 different channels. I cannot be held responsible for any crimes I may commit after being subjected to yet another airing of Kick Start My Heart.

Cream...the band...Metal? Not Metal?

63,000 jobs lost in this country last month. Highest job loss in five years. Mortgage delinquencies at highest rate in 23 years. Stock market crashing every day. Weak dollar. Brett Favre no longer plays football. There's nothing good on this our generations great depression?

Why have I never been able to understand the once huge popularity of Fleetwood Mac? I just never could see the appeal so I've blamed the pot smokers and coke snorters of the 70's for it. i don't think they were that good vocally, the songs were pedestrian and their playing was underwhelming.

Haven't the people of India suffered enough? Its hot, its dirty, its crowded. Their biggest exports were Ravi Shankar and Mother Teresa and now comes word that Rolling Stone magazine is now available for purchase there. Where's the United Nations when ya need them?

Alice Cooper, a dude I feel is grossly unappreciated and more than deserving of a spot in the lame azz rock hall, has a new record coming out in the fall. In addition to "Along Came a Spider", Alice's bio is now out in paperback. Buy a few copies to put in the kids Easter baskets.

I'm thinking the only people excited about the reunions of White Lion, XYZ, Lynch Mob, Trixter and Warrant are drunks, angry loners, the unemployable and those who think OJ was innocent.

I have absolutely ZERO interest in this year's NCAA March Madness basketball tournament. With Ohio State headed to the NIT I just can't get into it.

23 days till the first baseball game of the season.

Young males today don't know how could they have it with todays modern bra commercials. We grew up on cross your heart bras over turtlenecks. After last nights ep of Lost the best thing on tv was the Victoria's Secret commercial I saw.

Now that I think about it, I've never met a man who didn't enjoy a good set of boobs.

Further proof that old stars don't burn out they just go to reality shows on the network this fall will star Margaret Cho and 2 Live Crew's Luke Campbell.

I'm stunned VH1 hasn't given a show to Jeff Conway.

Speaking of Jeff Conway, I'm off to get stoned and drunk....enjoy the snow....

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Road House Curse

Just days after the death of Jeff Healey comes word that Road House star Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. Now I know this news will be heartbreaking to his female fan base (and to TFO) but the good news is that his doctor says he's responding to treatment. In the meantime, there appears to be a curse on the cast of Road House and I encourage you, my loyal readers, to avoid airings of this film at all costs. If you need a Swayze fix pick up Red Dawn. Wolverines!!!!!!!!!

The National Enquirer has weighed in on the Van Halen saga and says that the postponement of dates was caused after a bruhaha between Edward Van Halen and his son Wolfie over his dad's resumption of drinking. Eddie grew mad at Wolfie's coldness toward him onstage and began acting like a three year old in need of a nap. Eddie tossed stuff on stage and punched amps as he walked off stage. So Eddie is back in rehab. Shouldn't children services step in to save Wolfie from his dysfunctional parents?

I have determined that in the event the Democratic party cannot decide on a candidate by the time of the convention I will go to Denver and lead a riot in protest of any perceived back door dealings to select one. I've always wanted to lead a riot and reenact the great siege of Chicago at the 1968 convention. My high school guidance counsellor suggested I find a career path as a rabble rouser. Blame him. Plus maybe if I go all Cindy Sheehan or Tom Hayden I can meet Steve Earle.

Pet peeve...someone sets off a bomb in Times Square this morning but we're told "its not terrorism." Ok..what the hell is it then? Is it because they suspect it was planted by a non-Muslim that makes it not terrorism?

Ain't It Cool News has pix of the Watchmen characters up and I gotta tell ya, it looks brilliant. Can't wait to see this movie next year.

New studies indicate that black dogs are discriminated against. Research indicates that black coated dogs stay in shelters longer than other dogs. I guess we can expect Angelina Jolie to step in and adopt some black labs now.

Is there a better song to drive to than Judas Priest's Metal Gods? Next week we'll feature a good deal of the Priest during the S'March of Metal.

I apologize for the quality of yesterdays vids. I went for obscure NWOBHM bands and wound up posting crap. I will do better today.

Boredom drove me to watch TV Land's new High School Reunion reality show last night. Must say, I found it entertaining. Not like Jeff Conway on Celebrity Rehab entertaining but I enjoy seeing the popular people grow up to be train wrecks and oxygen thiefs. The show follows several members of the graduating class of 1987 as they reconnect. I've never attended any of my reunions and with the 20th due for this year, I'm reminded why. You couldn't pay me enough to go back to high school. I used to tell friends "if these are the best years of our lives kill me now."

Chuck Klosterman is one of my favorite writers in the world. You can't go wrong with any of his books. If you haven't read Klosterman you're missing out. Fargo Rock City could have been my childhood. He's written a great new piece on road movies and you can find it here:

MTV is refusing to run the new Gnarls Barkley video out of fear it could induce seizures. Have you seen the crap MTV runs these days? I go by MTV and I wanna commit a hate crime.

Thats all I've got for today....another winter storm coming thru...make sure you brake for Marshall McPeak....