Back in business thanks to a government bailout.
Friday, June 13, 2008
This blog, like the 117 million other ones on the intergoogle, came to be for one reason and one reason only.....I have a huge ego and demand that you pay attention to me at all times. Despite my rather inflated opinion of self, I was amazed that the blog attracted as much traffic as it did. I did little to advertise other than occasionally ask friends and acquaintances the dreaded question "have you seen my blog?" Thanks to Google's ability to spy on anyone, anywhere in the world, I've learned that this blog has been read all around the world....I don't know whether to be flattered or horrified because I always thought people outside of the U.S.A. had better taste than Americans...so my hopes for the rest of the world have dashed by their consumption of my grade D humor.
The posts that generated the most traffic were the ones about music....I think the two things people surf the 'net for the most are things to touch themselves to and music. I sure hope no one their Elmo while reading my blog cuz if they did, they need serious help. An early post on why Def Leppard sucks offended Americans, Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Martians...that thing got picked up all over the place. For some reason, this March saw more traffic than any other month....I give all the credit to the O.M.O.M. and the S'March of Metal (which was hampered by problems with YouTube). No surprise, the posts that were the least successful were those heavy on political or local content. Shockingly, some of the posts that were heavy on sports were actually picked up on other blogs....I thought those were the absolute worst and believe me there was a lot of awful crap I posted.
Let me attempt to summarize what we've learned over the past year together: Def Leppard sucks, some bands are so awful that they should be exterminated, big business and Corporate America are the great Satan, Giada de Laurentis is mega hot, American Idol and the music industry as a whole suck, the Columbus Blue Jackets will always suck, The Cleveland Browns, Indians and Cavs will always let you down, no one cares about anything from Cincinnati, we're all going broke, George Bush is the worst president in history, the American Dream is over, we're all doomed, no team has a gayer mascot than the Pittsburgh Steelers escapee from the Village People Steely McBeam, Evil Larry loves to offend, Kiss used to be great and is now a punchline, and there is no problem in the world that can't be solved by boobs and the consumption of beer.
Thanks to all who visited daily, occasionally and even just once....come see us at From Out of Nowhere next month. You'll be glad you did.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
While technically the first concert I ever saw was Sha Na Na at the Ohio State Fair, the first concert I claim was Ted Nugent on the Penetrator tour. Brian Howe, who would later go on to suck in Bad Company was the lead vocalist on that tour. Should you ever meet American Dog guitar player SteveTheado, please break out into a chorus of "Don't you want my love....." Don't hold me liable if he smacks you with his guitar. Good show...Yngwie Malmsteen and Alcatraz opened. Awful, awful band.
The first election I ever voted in was the 1988 primary. I cast my vote for Jesse Jackson. I knew even then that my vote didn't really matter.
Up until 1995 I owned every Dokken, Rainbow, Black n' Blue record...today I own none of them.
I thought Hootie and the Blowfish would be tearing up the charts for years (no, seriously I did) with their late 20th century blend of frat rock.
There are over 300,000 fast food places across America but only one has a clean bathroom (here's a hint..its in Utah).
McDonalds distributes more toys each year than Toys R Us or Walmart combined.
I've never had cancer.
Thousands of people in the Australian census declare their religion as "Jedi."
On a jury duty form I once listed my job title as "Supervisor of Collections of souls."
Reality dating shows have been blamed for a rise in cases of "skankophobia."
The treaty that ended World War II required that all German heavy metal bands include at least 3 homosexuals.
Cellphone use is the leading cause of erectile dysfunction and male pattern baldness.
I once joined the legendary Dublin, Ireland band An Emotional Fish on stage for a blistering version of Lou Reed's Rock n' Roll....true story.
The Godz really were indeed rock n' roll machines. They were created by Issac Asimov to promote his latest short story on robots.
Dogs really can't lick their own junk.....they are actually master illusionists and they do it to freak out jealous humans.
Will Rogers once said "I never met a cat I didn't want to use for target practice."
The Secret Service's code name for Dick Cheney is "Johnny Wadd."
Pandas are discriminated against in the wild because other bears consider them to be "biracial" because of their black and white color.
The Popsicle was invented by Thomas Edison after he accidentally caught his penis in the freezer.
Now do you see why I'm shutting the blog down? Its hard to come up with nonsense like this on a daily basis....enjoy the sweltering heat.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Laugh if you want but there are evil forces at work with Walmart....I have a theory....unproven tho it may be, that Sam Walton's mega discount chain sprout up after he brokered a deal with the devil. In fact, Walmart has now grown so big, its actually taken over Hell. Hell is now one big Walmart Superstore....the store is stocked with stuff you don't need and the stuff you do need is out of stock and none of the employees speak a lick of English.
I hate going into Walmart....because to me, Walmart is indeed hell. The employees generally have this look on their face that says "Oh my f'ing God.....I'm working at Walmart!" Its not the kinda place that you go to if you need one thing. One day I went into buy batteries. The 900 year old greeter offers me a cart and I decline. This undead woman says to me in a voice that chilled me to the core "you'll be sorry!"
Walmart doesn't want you to buy one thing...it wants you, no, it DEMANDS that you spend a minimum of $100 every time you enter its hellish chamber. Why do you think they are distributing exclusive cd's by the Eagles, Journey and AC/DC? They lure you in with their respective new releases (priced to sell at $11.88!) and then rope you in with all their other poorly made products (made by slave labor....come to think of it...I bet Journey's new Filipino singer is slave labor too.....but thats for another post). When you get down to it, Walmart is a lot like a predatory bank lender or a cash advance place...it ropes you into business transactions that you can't afford.
Probably the thing about Walmart I hate the most is the customers....its like a white trash Disney World in there....people roam around the place just pushing an empty cart. They just stroll around wide eyed like a kid looking at Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. You'll be able to easily identify these types of people by their sleeveless tee shirts, denim shorts, and their single tooth.
America used to take pride in how its goods were made...things were "built to last." Now they are built to be sold in mass quantities....and as cheaply as possible. Work was once something to be celebrated...being a craftsman was an honor.....those days are long past. Just imagine how much pride that 6 year old Asian kid making your "Git R Done" tee shirts takes from her work.
Walmart...its not one of the 7 Realms of Hell....It is hell.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Considering I mentioned him in my rant against Joe Elliot below, I figured might as well feature Marc Bolan today...yep, he's a jew. I remember having an argument with a guy once who was convinced Marc Bolan and guitarist Tommy Bolin were brothers....even mentioning that their names were spelled differently would not sway him. Let me tell ya, that was the last time I ever spoke to Joe Elliot when he was on the rag.
Perhaps the comments (and if you wanna read what Elliot said, head over to Blabbermouth, I'm not gonna post it here) that made me laugh the hardest (while throwing up a little in my mouth at the stupidity of the 9 armed band's frontman) was when he said of Bowie, that he was more about the look than the music. Granted, Bowie has always been a visual artist, but he was writing great songs long before he created the Ziggy Stardust alter-ego. Did Joe somehow never hear Hunky Dory or Space Oddity? Even Bowie's weak 80's output surpassed anything Leppard put out after Pyromania.
Honestly, Joe Elliot and I have similar tastes in70's music....We love a lot of the same bands...Mott the Hoople, Marc Bolan and T. Rex and the Sweet...the difference is I'm intelligent and in touch with reality and he's a mentally retarded, delusional hasbeen convinced that his band still matters. Take for instance his claim in the same article that Def Leppard had "substance" which was something he claims Motley Crue and Poison lacked. Ok.....How is Pour Some Sugar on Me any different from Unskinny Bop or Girls, Girls, Girls? What about Rocket or the gayest song ever written Make Love Like a Man? The truth is Joe, your band is worse than Motley and Poison because at least they know what they are.
Ya see Mr. Elliot is convinced that his band should be mentioned in the same breath as the greatest rock bands of all time....In Joe's mind they were never a "metal" band (nevermind the early press proclaiming the leaders of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal a label they were proud to wear until the mid 80's). At every opportunity this guy slags metal and metal bands..nevermind the fact his band's 2nd guitarist was in Dio. Joe has a problem with Bowie's look? What's his explanation for the ripped up sock stuffed jeans he wore in the 80's? What about the Billy Ray Cyrus hair he wore? Joe has a problem with makeup...so why is it his bandmate Phil Collen wore more eyeliner than Tammy Faye Baker on their last tour?
Here's all you need to know about Def Lep....they made a decent debut, followed up by a solid record in High and Dry.....then came the commercial crossover Pyromania (where they softened their sound). As played out as that record was in the 80's, Photograph is one of the 100 best songs of the 80's (and probably top 50). But the credit for the success doesn't go to the band, it goes to Mutt Lange who orchestrated that record the way Jim Steinman worked Meat Loaf. When Steinman couldn't work the same magic on Lep when they started their followup to Pyromania, they waited for Lange to become available. The result was the soul selling, diabetic coma inducing Hysteria, quite simply, a record so bad it makes Metal Machine Music sound like the White Album.
Since he's unable to grasp it, let me slap Joe Elliot in the face with reality...your band became a joke in 1987. You owe all your success to a guy named Mutt. Your loyalty to your one armed, wife beating drummer is admirable, however, it resulted in all of your rhythms sounding the same. You never replaced the late Steve Clark, the only member of your band who seems to enjoy rock music.....your bass player with each passing year becomes the white RuPaul. Then there is you Joe....You're an arrogant douche....whenever you open your mouth it turns your shrinking fanbase against you. You come off more and more as a bitter old queen. Remember that blowup with Andrew's review of your covers record over at Melodicrock.com? The guy did nothing but give you free press for years and champion your band....He rightly criticizes your decision to do a covers record and finds the end result underwhelming and you slag him like a scorned lover. One of the few people who still took you seriously and you ran him down on every continent. Oh and the glasses you're wearing? You're not John Lennon...you're not even Donnie Vie. And Joe? Your voice is shot.....maybe if you took a break from running your mouth to the press you might be able to at least get thru one verse of your crap tunes without sounding like an alley cat fight has broken out.
If there is a rock n' roll hell, Joe Elliot is destined to spend eternity being ass raped by the guy who claimed he was Rikki Rockett (or the homeless guy who said he was Peter Criss). Then again, given his recent comments about wanting to shag Michael Monroe, Joe would probably enjoy that too much.