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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Its my Birthday and I'll Blog if I Want to

On this, my 38th birthday, I thought it might be nice to reflect on the events that have shaped me and made me the man I am today....

1970-Rocketed from the dying planet Krypton, the man who would become the BlastFurniss is discovered by Jonathon and Martha Kent of Smallville Kansas. Hey, I was a baby, I can't be expected to remember the exact details of my birth can I?

1970-1980 Those years are dull. Mainly spent complaining about disco music, the Nixon, Ford and Carter administrations, and playing with Mego action figures. Planet of the Apes and the Batman tv show were holy and held sacred.

1982-One of the biggest years of my life. Saw first rock concert...Ted Nugent with opening act Alcatrazz. Drunk dude behind me drunk and passed out. Puked all night like Vesuvius. Rock music is good. Parents get satellite dish installed. Unlimited viewings of Vacation, Eddie and the Cruisers and 24 hour uncensored adult films. Life was never the same. Oh and we got Mtv which once upon a time, was a lot of fun.

1984-began lifelong friendship with Kbone...a relationship formed by a love of glam bands and parachute pants. Neither of which thankfully exist today. Fortunately, we found other things in common over the years.

1985-began lifelong friendship with O.M.O.M., my brother in all that is heavy in metal. He introduced me to Manowar and I introduced him to J.D. Roberts and the Pepsi Power Hour. He's now the manager of my Iced Earth tribute band, Frosty Planet.

1986-landed starring role in Canadian melodrama Degrassi Junior High. My character was killed off by an errant stone in a game of curling.

1988-began 20 year odyssey at Ohio State University which finally ends this June.

1990-met the mysterious Unky Rory. Social critic, baseball fan, geek. The Spock to my Kirk, the Larry to my Moe, the Shields to my Yarnell. A brotherhood stronger than dilithium crystals.

1992-After the fall of the Iron Curtain, became first late night Russian talk show host. Program cancelled after one ep. Lied on resume...didn't speak Russian.

1994-Became lead singer of Slade.

1995-started short lived career as radio talk show host. Program quickly cancelled as I'd finally mastered Russian. American audience didn't understand the language.

1996-published first book, a critical biography of the films of Ginger Lynn.

1998-Launched a national dance craze with hit song "Shave My Poodle" topping the charts for 6 months.

2000-lost contested presidential election to George W. Bush. Met NHL legend TFO and assisted him in planning drive by shooting of Jaromir Jagr. Plan scrapped when we realized Jagr didn't mean that much to us after all. Instead, influenced by American History X, we forced an unsuspecting passerby to put his mouth on the curb so we could stomp on his head. Today that man is known as Mitt Romney. Now you know, the rest of the story.

2002-marries CNBC personality Maria Bartiromo

2004-Cast as Captain America in big screen adaptation of Marvel Comics character. Fired after one day of shooting for reading all my lines in Russian.

2007-A failure at every entertainment medium, I launch this here blog to entertain the masses...or at least the dozen or so site regulars.

2008-who the hell knows? The year is only 2 weeks old.

So there ya have it...my pathetic life. 38 mediocre years and more on the way. Life is good.

4 comments:

O.M.O.M. said...

Happy Birthday bro! I still remember watching Lee Aaron's cameltoe on the Pepsi Power Hour like it was just yesterday.

TFO said...

Happy Birthday! I'd say you've had quite an eventful life. Good times!

E. S. Furniss said...

Thank you for the bday wishes lads. Years of therapy cannot erase memories of the Pepsi Power hour from my mind. The worst in Canadian metal. I'll never forget JD Roberts introductions like "Voivod..with Voivod!" Of course, he's now a reporter for CNN. TFO would have loved the Pepsi Power Hour....being an honorary Canadian and all.

I look forward to OMOM's documentary on Lee Aaron...

justjenny said...

I'm way too late to really wish you a happy birthday, huh?

I've been reading over the blogs...good stuff, as always. You are a clever, clever man.

:)take care,
Jenny B