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Friday, January 4, 2008

Train, Train

With nothing much to talk about, I figured today is a perfect time to announce this year's nominees to the BlastFurniss Rock and Roll Concentration Camp. These artists/bands are condemned to a lifetime of hell for their crimes against humanity. The crime being that they suck and their music offends me. So fire up the old choo choo train and toss their recorded work into the fire....lets take some bands to camp.

Its my pleasure to announce this year's detainees:

The Byrds: Not entirely their fault. They made some darn fine songs. However, they weren't so good that the Underground Garage needs to play a Byrds song every 15 minutes.

Madonna: Sure, she's not a rock performer but that didn't stop her from getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame did it? Want to know why no talent azz clowns like Britney Spears and Fergie get record deals and news coverage? Blame Madonna. She must be punished.

Korn: Did anyone like these guys? If they did who cares...put them on the train.

Slipknot: See above entry for Korn.

The Doobie Brothers: Sorta like the Byrds. They were harmless enough. Yet oldies stations insist on playing China Grove every 30 minutes. Its not a very good song. The riff is lame. And no band EVER needs two drummers.

Don Dokken: Have you heard his acoustic versions of Into the Fire or Alone Again? The man is a wig wearing Vegas act. Since I can't make him trade places with Kevin DuBrow, I'll put Dokken on the train.

The Cars: This one hurts me because I do like a lot of the Cars stuff. I even enjoyed the reformed New Cars with Todd Rundgren playing the role of Ric Ocasek. HOWEVER, there is no reason for Moving in Stereo to be played so often. I know its some idiot radio programmers attempt to make us nostalgic for Judge Reinhold wanking to Phoebe Cates in Fast Times but its a really lame song topped only by the equally awful Let the Good Times Roll...."let me brush your rock and roll hair"? What kind of crap is that?

Kid Rock: Do I need to even explain this one? Look up douchebag in the dictionary and you'll see this piece of poo. Get on the train Kid Rock...and shut up. No one wants to hear about you getting Hep C from Pam Anderson.

There ya go gang...there's this years list of nominees to the BlastFurniss Rock and Roll Concentration Camp. They'll join last year's nominees Journey, Def Leppard, .38 Special, Reo Speedwagon and whoever else I was mad about at that time.

A few things I think to end the week:

I think every time a politician says "I represent your values" a pedophile cries.

I think Dick Clark was using performance enhancing drugs prior the New Year's Rockin' Eve broadcast.

I think the money the government invests on the war on drugs should be spent on the war against inbreeding instead.

I think I'd like to see some new kinds of soup. We've had the same tired varieties of soup forever. I'd like to see how many cans of Placenta & Rice Campbells could move.

I think midgets are a sign that God is a very funny being.

I think I'd be afraid to watch porn in HD.

I also think I'd be afraid to watch porn in 3D.

I think Joan Jett belongs in the Rock Hall.

I think the reason the NCAA doesn't have a football playoff is because if they do, the terrorists win.

Like a kid throwing a fit in Toys R Us, I think George W. Bush will have to be physically removed from the White House at the end of his term.

I think everyone who is appearing in the Celebrity Apprentice deserves a humiliating kick in the crotch.

Have a good weekend..........

6 comments:

TFO said...

That's a very eclectic list of nominees, some more deserving of a fast track to hell than others. I agree with your stance on Madonna - although it looks like the highly anticipated end to the Britney train wreck will soon come to pass. I just hope that when she finally puts a gun to her head that she doesn't miss and accidentally take out an innocent bystander.

E. S. Furniss said...

I really wish Britney would just overdose and get it over with. Or recover from her addiction and make the talk show circuit and brag about her recovery. How bad of a parent do you have to be to lose custody of your kids to Kevin Federline?

O.M.O.M. said...

I still say we'll have years of Britney ingesting staggering amounts of drugs and showing us her cooch. I would put Britney up against 1986-era Motley Crue in a drug binge competition and she would go toe to toe with them, shave her head, then head over to Starbucks for a frappuchino. She comes from hearty redneck cajun stock and while I hate her music, I salute her downward spiral.

ES, no Buckeye cheering? C'mon the game is only days away. Don't make me send Mindy Drayer and Stanley Jackson over to give you a case of Buckeye Football Fever. On a side note, only 4 weeks ago I figured out what BFF meant on that show on WSYX. I thought that Stanley and that white dude were just super best friends that enjoyed the Buckeyes.

O.M.O.M. said...

I like this years batch of nominees. The Doobie Bros. became even more annoying when Michael McDonald took over the show, his voice makes me want to punch people.

I also think that it's a f*cking crime that Cheap Trick and Motorhead aren't in the RNR HOF. 20 years from now, when Good Charlotte are inducted ahead of CT and the 'Head, you will read about an old, fat man that broke into the ceremonies and killed everyone involved with the HOF.

E. S. Furniss said...

I have no Buckeye Football Fever or BFF. I always pick OSU to lose. Last year however I picked them to win the BCS title game in a rout. Gawd was I wrong. I love OSU football, I just get sick of OSU fans who refuse to look at them objectively. You wouldn't have to look hard for Stanley Jackson. He lives right here in our fair city. How bad must that suck for him?

Cheap Trick and Motorhead are both deserving and for that reason, they'll never enter the rock hall. The main reason is Jann Wenner controls the damn thing and he hates rock. Thats why I avoid buying Rolling Stone magazine. I will join you in your slaughter at the rock hall as long as I can dress up like Angus Young.

O.M.O.M. said...

We need to go to a Marion Mayhem game this season and see Mr Jackson helm the mayhem to victory.