A friend of the BlastFurniss took me aside recently to express her outrage that I'd write a piece encouraging the creation of a rock and roll concentration camp. A regular site reader, I was shocked that I had offended her. I apologized for being insensitive and agreed to do something more positive with the blog.
So in the spirit of Bill Hicks, who gave the world the idea of Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus, I present to you the BlastFurniss Celebrity Death March.
We take the celebrities we hate the most, place them in a dangerous and exotic locale, and relish in their untimely demise. This is an idea whose time has come. We live in a dangerous age where too many people are famous just for being famous. Not to mention the ongoing writers strike has left reality television producers scraping the bottom of the barrel for mindless fluff to dull the masses.
Presenting our first cast:
Dr. Phil: I don't know what's worse, this idiot or the people who watch his show and buy his books. The man is a dangerous snake oil salesman and the government should hold hearings about Dr. Phil and others like him. The FDA regulates drugs, it ought to regulate quacks like him too. Dr. Phil...tv's version of Enzyte.
Chris Berman: Is there any sports fan who is still entertained by this tub of goo? His nickname schtick has grown tiresome. Give it a rest tubby.
Paris Hilton: Need I explain?
Pam Anderson: Does anyone find this Hepatitis C spreading has been the least bit attractive? I hope she isn't cremated. She'll burn like a tire fire.
Kim Kardashian: A large shapely ass and a home sex vid aren't redeeming qualities.
Ann Curry: Because it would please me to see her miserable. Tho technically, she actually is famous for reading the news on the Today. That kinda separates her from the previous skanks.
Paula Abdul: I'd give her a pardon if she'd just freak out live on air and attack one of her American Idol co-stars with a crowbar.
Jay Leno: What's my beef? Its this giant chinned putz. He has got to be the least funny, funny person who ever had a tv show. He's smug and his show has always been a train wreck, yet more people watch it than Letterman. Of course, more people voted for Bush in the last two presidential elections. Bush and Leno....proof that Americans are idiots.
Arsenio Hall: Cuz I always hated him and my cast is too white.
Carlos Mencia: Despite stealing jokes from other comedians, he's still not funny. Again, he gives the lilywhite cast a little color and flavor.
Rosie O'Donnell: I always found it funny she didn't come out until her show was off the air. She really thinks much too highly of herself. I predict she'll be the first to expire on the march. One of the other cast members will take her out.
There's my list....feel free to debate it or add additional cast members. If there is one thing this country still does better than any other nation is making stars out of people who deserve to live in obscurity.