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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Celebrity Death March

A friend of the BlastFurniss took me aside recently to express her outrage that I'd write a piece encouraging the creation of a rock and roll concentration camp. A regular site reader, I was shocked that I had offended her. I apologized for being insensitive and agreed to do something more positive with the blog.

So in the spirit of Bill Hicks, who gave the world the idea of Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus, I present to you the BlastFurniss Celebrity Death March.

We take the celebrities we hate the most, place them in a dangerous and exotic locale, and relish in their untimely demise. This is an idea whose time has come. We live in a dangerous age where too many people are famous just for being famous. Not to mention the ongoing writers strike has left reality television producers scraping the bottom of the barrel for mindless fluff to dull the masses.

Presenting our first cast:

Dr. Phil: I don't know what's worse, this idiot or the people who watch his show and buy his books. The man is a dangerous snake oil salesman and the government should hold hearings about Dr. Phil and others like him. The FDA regulates drugs, it ought to regulate quacks like him too. Dr.'s version of Enzyte.

Chris Berman: Is there any sports fan who is still entertained by this tub of goo? His nickname schtick has grown tiresome. Give it a rest tubby.

Paris Hilton: Need I explain?

Pam Anderson: Does anyone find this Hepatitis C spreading has been the least bit attractive? I hope she isn't cremated. She'll burn like a tire fire.

Kim Kardashian: A large shapely ass and a home sex vid aren't redeeming qualities.

Ann Curry: Because it would please me to see her miserable. Tho technically, she actually is famous for reading the news on the Today. That kinda separates her from the previous skanks.

Paula Abdul: I'd give her a pardon if she'd just freak out live on air and attack one of her American Idol co-stars with a crowbar.

Jay Leno: What's my beef? Its this giant chinned putz. He has got to be the least funny, funny person who ever had a tv show. He's smug and his show has always been a train wreck, yet more people watch it than Letterman. Of course, more people voted for Bush in the last two presidential elections. Bush and Leno....proof that Americans are idiots.

Arsenio Hall: Cuz I always hated him and my cast is too white.

Carlos Mencia: Despite stealing jokes from other comedians, he's still not funny. Again, he gives the lilywhite cast a little color and flavor.

Rosie O'Donnell: I always found it funny she didn't come out until her show was off the air. She really thinks much too highly of herself. I predict she'll be the first to expire on the march. One of the other cast members will take her out.

There's my list....feel free to debate it or add additional cast members. If there is one thing this country still does better than any other nation is making stars out of people who deserve to live in obscurity.


TFO said...

Well spoken! And another truly fantastic idea for ridding the planet of all these fevered egos. I respectfully submit Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce, and Justin Timberlake.

O.M.O.M. said...

First off let me say that your ideas, especially RNR Camp and this one are like a warm snifter of brandy, warming the cockles of my heart on a cold winters eve.

Secondly, I respectfully submit for your consideration the following celebutards, JayZ, Oprah, Tila Tequila and the bassist from Fall Out Boy. For second team I'll throw in Sandra Bullock, Sheryl Crow and Reese Witherspoon.

E. S. Furniss said...

I told a co-worker, the same one who found the rnr camp to be insensitive, that if I could succesfully pull this off I'd be awarded a Nobel Prize. I think these efforts could lead to peace in the middle east, a cure for cancer, and the end of poverty.

Your ideas are all excellent. Together we will leave the world a better place than the one we inherited.

TFO said...

Not to beat a dead horse, but I feel that the gaggle of incubi that Disney has unleashed upon us deserves to be put on this list...High School Musical and the sort. A shining example of what happens to youth when their parents are preoccupied with fame and fortune... as if Brittney wasn't enough, now we have to hear about her whoring little sister and where her parents went wrong. If only Billy Ray could have been hunted down before he was able to reproduce...give it some time, his little demon seed will prove to be yet another role model disappointment.

E. S. Furniss said...

See while I agree with your Disney related genocide, then my daughter would be left with NOTHING to watch.

Miley Cyrus did have a little bad pub recently when a pic of her and a female friend engaged in a fake smooch made its way on to the worldwide interwebs.

kellie said...

I would like to add Dr Sanjay Gupta. I dont believe for a second that he is really a doctor. I think he was booted from Bollywood and he must have a reallly good agent. I despise his pearly whites flashing from the locations of human tragedy like Katrina and Iraq. If he's really a doctor let's see the CNN cameras roll on him giving Rosie her next annual.