Since I'm short on time and ideas today, I offer you, the loyal readers, some of my Valentine's Day tips to guarantee your lady has a great Valentine's Day.
1) Flowers. Lots of 'em. Roses in particular. Trust me...she's checking to see how much you spend on her. Women are good at putting a dollar value on things. If she tells you she just wants a card she's a liar.
2) Pick the perfect card....if you can't be romantic, at least be funny. No cards making reference to you being gassy either. Chicks wanna feel the love.
3) Chocolate...this is a tricky one. You don't want her getting fat (or fatter) but you also don't want her to suspect you think she's fat. So spring for the chocolate.
4) Stuffed animals-a definite no-no. Unless she's 6 years old. And you're a pervert.
5) Lingerie-No man should ever buy it for his woman. Just pray to your God that she wears some for you later. Save your money and just give her complements. Chicks dig complements. Just don't tell her that she could be a part time model.....she might be insulted if you think she couldn't be one full time.
6) Dinner-It can't be about you....you can't go anywhere that serves wings or shows games. Do something classy. Eat fish for a change....and stay away from anything makes you gassy.
7) Booze....Get her a couple drinks...no more than 3....you want to lower her inhibitions but you don't want to make her woozy and pass out. Treat yourself to something good too at the bar...if you normally drink Busch, spring for Bud. If you drink Bud, drink an import instead.
8) Mood enhancements-After you've sent the flowers, given the card and the candy, taken her to dinner and given her a buzz...don't ruin it by putting on Metallica. If you don't have the 20 minute dance remix of Prince's Erotic City in your collection, spring for some Otis Redding, Al Green or Marvin Gaye....just make sure the first song she hears isn't Lets Get it On....too obvious. Oh....Valentine's Day probably not the best time for the two of you to watch adult films. That's more of a Sweetest Day kinda thing. Plus, after springing for all those gifts and dinner, you know she'll only be disappointed with you after being subjected to 2 hours of the best of Lexington Steele.
Happy Valentine's Day kids.....