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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I Was Almost Killed by the American Idols

Call it it it what you will but my friends last night my life nearly came to a premature end and if it had.....American Idol would have been to blame.

I'm motoring down the highway....its rush hour. I have my window cracked enjoying a cigarette. I have the radio blaring listening to a replay of the Howard Stern show (my exhaust is loud, hence the need to blare the radio). Traffic is moving at a decent clip. I have a PT Cruiser in front of me and a rig to the right..Just in front of the rig is some kinda SUV...what kind I'm not real sure cuz they all look alike to me. I look down to change the radio dial to the Underground Garage (Howard's at commercial) soon as I look back up my car is under attack.

Flying discs are pelting my car and those behind me. The SUV that was in front of the rig had all its windows down...a massive wind gust or the hand of God (I'm not sure which) caused a whole mess of compact discs (what your people call "CD's") to fly out the window and attack my car.

Now my car is dented, rusted, and has 120,000 miles on it. Its looks, like Cheryl Tiegs, are long gone....I was startled but was able to handle the rain storm of cd's well....what bothered me wasn't the attack of the cd's its what was on the cd's that offended me.

I couldn't see the labels on all the cd's that went spilling out on to the highway but I did clearly make out the names Kelly Clarskson and Carrie Underwood as they hit my windshield and bounced off.....I was a Clay Aiken disc away from being attacked by an unholy trinity of American Idol contestants! Haven't these people committed enough crimes against innocent people with good taste in music? Must they now resort to drive by's to garner attention?

You can say this incident was just a fluke...I look at it as something more. American Idol is down in the ratings. Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood are its most successful byproducts yet neither is a HUGE star....Taylor Hicks and Reuben Studdard now pump gas, Bo Bice is managing a Burger King and I'm told Fantasia is doing crystal meth and adult films just to get by. I shudder to think of poor Jordin Sparks and what awaits their unprovoked attack on me yesterday I think its clear that these no talent ass clowns are determined to stay in the spotlight by any means necessary...If it takes the death of innocents on the highway, they say so be it!

My friends I ask that you avenge me...tell all who will listen to not cast a vote in tonight's American Idol finale...if no one votes then no one wins. If no one becomes American Idol then we the people with taste and excellent driving skills will no longer be subjected to their pedestrian vocal stylings and highway flying cd assaults. This stand will allow us to take our country back and keep our roadways safe.

Say it often and say it loud...tell all who will listen "Hell no, we won't vote!'

By the way....I'm not making this up....I was really attacked by flying cds on the highway last night. Seriously.

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