Tuesday April 1 With Evil Larry

The Furniss has become a lazy tub o'goo...first he has the O.M.O.M. writing his blog and now he's turned it over to me. Oh and O.M.O.M.? You aren't so old. I have dingleberries older than you.

I had the best dream last night. I was snorting Garlique off of the naked bodies of Chelsea and Hillary Clinton.

I bet when Abe Lincoln sees Barry Obama he's proud of himself for freeing the negroes. I wonder if he feels the same way when he sees Jay Z?

Whats with all the Japs in major league baseball? Didn't we bomb those people for a reason? Plus who can take a guy by the last name of Wang seriously? Can't you just hear the PA guy going "stepping into the box....Wang!" or "Wang goes deep!" or my favorite "2 balls on Wang"

I would enjoy American Idol more if they didn't send the losing contestants home but instead butchered them live on tv and fed them to Randy Jackson.

For my money, you'll be hard pressed to ever top Jeffery Dahmer's killing spree.

John McCain tells me that what he missed most when he was a POW in Vietnam were the teenage prostitutes he used to frequent with in Saigon. The Senator from Arizona says the only war flashbacks he ever has is when he thinks back to the 12 year old hookers he enjoyed so much.

What's the deal with all these teachers in Tampa nailing their students? I expect this sorta behavior in Catholic schools but in public schools paid for by tax dollars? How is this activity any different than what the Governor of New York did? Did you see the nose on that whore?

I'm hoping Andy Rooney falls and breaks his leg so we can put him down. Hey Andy..how's about spending a few minutes trimming your eyebrows!

Jay Leno's chin is bigger than the average male sex organ.

There's nothing I enjoy more than an enema from a redheaded woman.

Did you hear Rob Halford of Judas Priest is getting his own cooking show? Tossing Salad with Rob Halford is coming to the Logo channel....Bruce Springsteen tells me he was so happy with his tribute to Pete Seeger that his next record is a tribute to Bob Seger called Like A Rock: The Seger Sessions. ...John Mellencamp says his next project is a concept album on cars...some of the songs are F.O.R.D. in the USA, Chrysler the King, Rain on the Chevy, and Dodge Ball.

I've never met anyone I've wanted to beat with a baseball bat more than Billy Joel.

Not enough celebrities die in airplane crashes these days. If the FAA cared about the American people the next time the cast of Two and a Half Men got on a planet together they'd crash in the Pacific Ocean.

Heh...Two and Half Men...Reminds me of the night that Me, Sinatra, and the midget from Fantasy Island smoked opium and filled Mia Farrow out like an application.

My solution to the immigration problem is to give Texas back to Mexico and then level the place with napalm. Nothing cures a problem like the healing power of fire.

Has there ever a sport more gay than wrestling? Its like a demonstration of the gay Kama Sutra out there.

Have you ever noticed that George W. Bush looks a lot like Cornelius in Planet of the Apes?

Speaking of Bush, his boy Dick Cheney has shot more people in the face than Peter North.

I think if Thomas Jefferson were alive today he'd wanna get with Beyonce.

I think if Paris Hilton announced she had ass cancer I'd cry tears of joy.

I think I'm outta time....gotta go meet up with Don Rickles to play cards, snort blow and insult Bob Newhart till he cries like the bitch that he is.