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Friday, February 22, 2008

Rock and Roll Machines

My friends with the snow and ice a coming down and some kinda seasonal depression threatening to steal my soul, what I need now more than ever is ROCK.....I believe that everyone has a right to keep rock in their own religion. For instance, if asked to fill out my religious affiliation I always write down "Springsteenian." However, on occasion I also mark "BlackSabbathanite." I believe that rock can make you feel alive and new again, just like over the next four or five weeks we'll featuring heavy doses of rock here on the ol' crap blog.

March of course is dedicated to the S'March of Metal....a new metal clip every day. This won't be for the week or most likely for women. Don't expect hairspray bands...this will be metal at its most primal (and quite possibly subliminally homoerotic...lots of leather and bare chests in metal). To set the stage for the S'March of Metal, each day next week will be dedicated to Black Sabbath.....Sabbath has had more singers than American Idol and we'll feature them all next week...Ozzy, Dio, Ian Gillan, Glenn Hughes, Ray Gillan, Tony Martin, and yes, Rob next week its Blast er Black Sabbath week....

Maybe I can talk the O.M.O.M. into writing a guest blog for us during the S'March of Metal.....Evil Larry will have plenty of comments too....

Tonights MegaMillions is worth an absurd amount of one won Tuesday when it was worth $220 million so we should be looking at $250 million tonight....Now, in addition to increasing the funding I already provide to my charity for women in need of breast implants, I would also use that money so that I could travel to every concert I would want to see. For instance, Robert Plant and Allison Krauss are doing a short tour. The nearest they come to Ohio is Louisville, KY and both shows are sold out. The Black Crowes have been playing a series of shows too but again, no Ohio dates. If I win the MegaMillions tonight, I will be able to do everything I want, when I want. Hookers, blow, and all the rock shows I can stand.

If you find yourself confused as to what is rock and what isn't....I've come up with a reference for you. Its very simple:

First ask yourself the question...can I make sexytime with this on? If yes, then you're probably listening to rock. Then ask yourself....would drinking beer enhance my listening experience? If yes, then you're probably listening to rock. If you feel the urge to snort coke off a hookers bare behind, odds are, you're enjoying some kick booty rock music. If on the other hand you have the urge to turn out all your lights, shoot heroin and complain about how tortured you are, you're not listening to rock and should probably either in art school or on suicide watch.

Bands that rock:Rolling Stones, Led Zep, Deep Purple, Ac/Dc, Georgia Satellites, CCR, Thin Lizzy, Cheap Trick, James Brown (yep, I said James Brown),American Dog, Van Halen (with DLR ONLY!), Motorhead, the Faces, the Foo Fighters...this is just a small sample of course....if you're listening to a band and they sound sort of like one of these bands, then you're listening to something that rocks.

Bands that don't rock: the Doors, Counting Crows, Matchbox 20, Nickelback, Hootie and the Blowfish, Staind, Saliva, Kid Rock, the Greatful Dead,Finger Eleven, Nirvana, Pearl Jam (with the exception of World Wide Suicide), the Killers, Death Cab for Cutie, the Smashing Pumpkins....these are all bands that don't rock....most of these bands are depressing and flat out suck too. If the band you're listening to sounds at all like one of these bands, then you're probably NOT listening to rock.

Too many parents these days aren't laying a foundation of rock for their children. I can't tell you how many kids I see being abused with crap music. Teaching your kids about rock and that they have a RIGHT to rock is just as important as doing homework, learning the golden rule and brushing your teeth. When you teach a child how to rock, you are opening their door to a world of fun and enjoyment.

So the Sun isn't coming out there is snow on the ground and more falling....don't be down....big deal....let the magical, mystical power of rock warm you and set your soul free....

Have a good weekend kids!


TFO said...

With the S'March of Metal looming and todays post in mind, I was wondering if anyone else has heard of a band call "Airbourne" I was recently introduced to their music and have found that they have a style similar to that of AC/DC. I like their sound and I think that their music is good ol' fashion, fun rock 'n' roll. Any thoughts?

E. S. Furniss said...

I don't know why there is this sudden interest in Airbourne but there was a recent thread on the Metal Sludge gossip board on them. I must admit, I've heard OF them but don't know if I've actually heard them. You can't go wrong with sounding like Ac/Dc....rock rarely gets better than them. I absolutely adore Rhino Bucket and they could be considered a rip off of Ac/Dc. 3 chords and a cloud of dust.

Oh and TFO? Jackets suck!

O.M.O.M. said...

I love Airbourne, they sound like the bastard child of AC/DC and Rose Tattoo.

ES, you didn't hear this from me but I think you might be able to catch some live Crowes this summer while zinging some wings. Keep your Rock-Q-Six card up to date, sho' nuff.

We need to do a Saturday night rawk off soon, I've got scads of bootleg goodies for you. I finally ripped my Cheap Trick PBS-1981 and '78 Budokan videos to dvd this week and have been jamming to them. Even converted the '81 show to mp4 to watch on my ipod. Lets get the wives together and they can talk candles and vacuuming whilst we discuss more important (ie:guy) things.

TFO said...

I have Airbourne's latest release and just about every song on it rocks.

And yes, ES, despite the SO win IN Ottawa last night, the Jacket still suck somethin' awful...

E. S. Furniss said...

Rose Tattoo! Now that was an unappreciated band...Good call OMOM...TFO I'm gonna have to find some of their stuff and burn for you. Will help keep ya warm on the nights when the CBJ turn your heart to ice.

Hey OMOM...thinks for the tip...I think American Dog would make a fine opening act for the Crowes....tell Hannon to make it happen when he gets back from the Orient...I'm definitely up for a rawk off....I love Cheap Trick but I'd like to smack whoever is handling their booking....aren't they packaged with Heart this summer? Guess being part of a package playing sheds is better for them financially than headling clubs but still, I'd rather see them at LCP headlining.