As Denis Leary sang in the Asshole song, "I walk around in the summertime saying how about this heat?" So, how 'bout it? Freakin' brutal. Like good paying jobs, Spring doesn't exist in Ohio anymore. May is cooler and wetter than April. Just last week I froze my ass off at the boys ball game and today I'm running around the house wearing nothing but a thong and a smile. Its days like this, and the ones upcoming, that make me hate summertime.
Of course, those who know me well understand that I have a lot of hate in my heart. Here are some other reasons I hate Summer:
The neighbor kids....always comin' down wanting to swim or trying to raid the fridge. Some of the kids are darn nice but there is one particular shit head down the block who should be the poster child for birth control. In fact, his whole family is an ethnic cleansing waiting to happen. Each night I pray that they become one of the millions of families who lose their home to foreclosure. Sure that's mean, but I'm a petty bastard.
Bugs....50 times a day you'll hear me shout this expression to the kids "shut the damn door you're letting bugs in." I wish I could mix it up a little bit..."hey, we ain't runnin' a bug motel!" or something like that would be a nice change of pace. The kids are as sick of "shut the damn door you're letting bugs in" just as much as I am.
Allergies...Used to be they only hit me at harvest season...then it became Spring..now its a 6 month reality series called "Dancing With My Snot." Plus I go around making up parody songs like "Runny Eyes" to Eric Carmans Hungry Eyes from Dirty Dancing. Don't even get me started on Eric Carman...went from pop genius to shite in three point five seconds....
TV...257 channels and nothin' on. Reality bullshit....hockey's now over, the NBA begins its swan song tonight....that leaves me with nothing but the underachieving Indians until the Browns begin preseason games in August. Wouldn't have been as bad if I at least had Rescue Me to watch this season, but NO, freakin' writers strike pushed that back to next year.
The Summer Olympics...thrill to the drama that is product placement before a worldwide audience. I'm boycotting Chinese food until after the conclusion of the summer games. I'm still bitter about the U.S. basketball team getting screwed out of the gold medal in 1972. Sure I was only two then but I learned how to hate at an early age.
Summer concerts....everyone in the world is on tour in the summertime.....so little money, so few shows. My days of selling blood plasma for concert money are long past.
Summer movies....everything is a god damn event movie. I wasn't gonna go but now I'm interested in seeing the Hulk...it'll either be great or a train wreck. If you don't think the new Batman movie looks killer you're an idiot.
This one is special for this summer...presidential elections and party conventions. Yawn.
Amusement parks.....call me a puss but I have a fear of heights which rules out rollercoasters. Plus, have you seen the price of admission to Cedar Point and Kings Island? Plus, thanks to my recently earned college degree, I can tell you that the amusement park was created as a form of leisure for working class immigrants on Coney Island. Like the movie, it rose to popularity as people who worked too hard for too little found a way to brighten their mundane lives. Of course, back then you probably got a family admitted for a nickel....I'm not sure but I believe a single day outting at Cedar Point for a family of four including admission, gas, and food now runs somewhere around five thousand dollars.
I'm sure I could name more reasons as to why I hate summer but I'll spare you.....I'm off to drop a bag of frozen peas into the front of my thong. Cool your balls and the rest will follow.