Still An Arse After All These Years

Back in my misspent youth, I enjoyed reading the rock mags of the day...Circus, Kerrang,Hit Parader, Rolling Stone. Metal Edge...I read 'em all. My favorite stories were always the articles that featured some rocker, usually Kevin Dubrow, slagging rival bands. So imagine my joy when surfing the intergoogles I stumbled upon a story from Sweden in which Def Leppard's Joe Elliot decided to bash David Bowie, Poison and Motley Crue (while admitting her harbored a gay crush on Hanoi Rocks frontman Michael Monroe).

Perhaps the comments (and if you wanna read what Elliot said, head over to Blabbermouth, I'm not gonna post it here) that made me laugh the hardest (while throwing up a little in my mouth at the stupidity of the 9 armed band's frontman) was when he said of Bowie, that he was more about the look than the music. Granted, Bowie has always been a visual artist, but he was writing great songs long before he created the Ziggy Stardust alter-ego. Did Joe somehow never hear Hunky Dory or Space Oddity? Even Bowie's weak 80's output surpassed anything Leppard put out after Pyromania.

Honestly, Joe Elliot and I have similar tastes in70's music....We love a lot of the same bands...Mott the Hoople, Marc Bolan and T. Rex and the Sweet...the difference is I'm intelligent and in touch with reality and he's a mentally retarded, delusional hasbeen convinced that his band still matters. Take for instance his claim in the same article that Def Leppard had "substance" which was something he claims Motley Crue and Poison lacked. Ok.....How is Pour Some Sugar on Me any different from Unskinny Bop or Girls, Girls, Girls? What about Rocket or the gayest song ever written Make Love Like a Man? The truth is Joe, your band is worse than Motley and Poison because at least they know what they are.

Ya see Mr. Elliot is convinced that his band should be mentioned in the same breath as the greatest rock bands of all time....In Joe's mind they were never a "metal" band (nevermind the early press proclaiming the leaders of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal a label they were proud to wear until the mid 80's). At every opportunity this guy slags metal and metal bands..nevermind the fact his band's 2nd guitarist was in Dio. Joe has a problem with Bowie's look? What's his explanation for the ripped up sock stuffed jeans he wore in the 80's? What about the Billy Ray Cyrus hair he wore? Joe has a problem with makeup...so why is it his bandmate Phil Collen wore more eyeliner than Tammy Faye Baker on their last tour?

Here's all you need to know about Def Lep....they made a decent debut, followed up by a solid record in High and Dry.....then came the commercial crossover Pyromania (where they softened their sound). As played out as that record was in the 80's, Photograph is one of the 100 best songs of the 80's (and probably top 50). But the credit for the success doesn't go to the band, it goes to Mutt Lange who orchestrated that record the way Jim Steinman worked Meat Loaf. When Steinman couldn't work the same magic on Lep when they started their followup to Pyromania, they waited for Lange to become available. The result was the soul selling, diabetic coma inducing Hysteria, quite simply, a record so bad it makes Metal Machine Music sound like the White Album.

Since he's unable to grasp it, let me slap Joe Elliot in the face with reality...your band became a joke in 1987. You owe all your success to a guy named Mutt. Your loyalty to your one armed, wife beating drummer is admirable, however, it resulted in all of your rhythms sounding the same. You never replaced the late Steve Clark, the only member of your band who seems to enjoy rock music.....your bass player with each passing year becomes the white RuPaul. Then there is you Joe....You're an arrogant douche....whenever you open your mouth it turns your shrinking fanbase against you. You come off more and more as a bitter old queen. Remember that blowup with Andrew's review of your covers record over at Melodicrock.com? The guy did nothing but give you free press for years and champion your band....He rightly criticizes your decision to do a covers record and finds the end result underwhelming and you slag him like a scorned lover. One of the few people who still took you seriously and you ran him down on every continent. Oh and the glasses you're wearing? You're not John Lennon...you're not even Donnie Vie. And Joe? Your voice is shot.....maybe if you took a break from running your mouth to the press you might be able to at least get thru one verse of your crap tunes without sounding like an alley cat fight has broken out.

If there is a rock n' roll hell, Joe Elliot is destined to spend eternity being ass raped by the guy who claimed he was Rikki Rockett (or the homeless guy who said he was Peter Criss). Then again, given his recent comments about wanting to shag Michael Monroe, Joe would probably enjoy that too much.