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Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Worst of Times

What's the worst concert you've ever seen? Here are 5 shows I saw that nearly caused me to end my life or those of the band on stage....

The Worst Concerts of My Life...or How I Nearly Killed Candlebox in 1996

1. Candlebox-Summer 1996-Oshkosh, WI: Let me state the only highlight of this show is that as a member of the media I didn't have to pay to get in. I took my friends Steve and Patty with me. Spacehog opened. They weren't awful and came off as a very polished David Bowie cover act though their lead singer (whose name escapes me but I'm remember he once dated Drew Barrymore) came off as more Graham Bonnet than Bowie. Yet they did a Tin Machine cover to close (Crack City) that flat out rocked. Clear the set.

I should mention this was part of a weekend outdoor "alternative" music festival. Candlebox was headlining day two...after rain fell the night before and the day of the Candlebox show the grounds were a Spacehog wraps up, we go for beer. First song goes ok...2nd song starts and the lead singer motions for the band to stop playing. He looks at the 6 people in the mosh pit and says "you guys down there...ya gotta knock that stuff gotta be cool or we aren't gonna play." The 6 people, who appeared from my vantage point to be only breathing and looking at the stage didn't move. They finish that song...they start a third..midway thru it again the lead singer of Candlebox stops the band and scolds the mosh pit. Looked like only 5 people were in there at this point and I'm guessing someone sneezed. At that point, I looked at Steve and Patty and said "ya wanna get the hell out of here? These guys are douchebags." They felt the same so it was off to the Lizard Lounge for Lizard Lager.

2. Air Supply-Spring 1985-Look, I was 15...I did it for a girl I liked...but once I got there I realized I hated her and how it was possible to want to kill everyone in a room. I dumped her that night and dated her friend for the next two years.

3. Faster Pussycat-Summer 2001-Columbus, OH-Taime Downe wants to be Marilyn Manson cuz lets face it...Who wants to be Taime Downe?

4. Skid Row-Cleveland OH-Year on this is fuzzy-Think it was 2000 but it could've been 1998 or 99-Skid Row was the opening act on a package with Ted Nugent and a reunited Kiss (it was their "farewell" tour with Ace and Peter (before they were replaced by different actors like a god damn day time soap opera). The first words out of the guy who isn't Sebastian Bach were "Good evening Cleveland we are Skid Row and we are back!" We? WE? Who the hell are you? You've sold even fewer records than Sebastian Bach has solo? WE? Caucasian please. They could have played the most smokin' setlist from that point on but I was tuned out already and heading for the beer line.

5. Ozzy Osbourne-Summer 1986-Columbus, OH- It was the Ultimate Sin tour...great record...great band...Metallica with a pre-bus crash Cliff Burton opened and ripped the roof off the dump...then here comes teased like one of JR's chicks on Dallas (hey it was still on the air then)....wearing a4x black and yellow jumpsuit that he must have bought from Stryper's garage sale....all night long the following words were repeated...."let's go f'ing crazy!"..."I love you all!"...over...and over....and over...and over...and over...and over..Until I felt the need to bite the head off of Ozzy Osbourne.

Bonus crap shows:

Bon Jovi...Memorial Day Weekend 1987...Buckeye Lake, OH...Went to prom the night before...was drunk by 830AM the day of the show....Blazing hot...Smithereens opened and had this look on their face that said "what the f are we doing here?" Cinderella came out next and rocked...(seriously)...then came Bon Jovi...Slippery When Wet tour...the little girls went wild....and two songs in it was obvious....After a 160 shows that year Bon Jovi had no voice, the band had no chops...the only reason for them to be on the road at that point was to take my money.

White Lion....Saw these lousy pricks twice, once opening for Ace Frehley, another time with AC/DC. Mike Tramp sucks and he shouldn't be allowed to re-enter the United States.

Shy...opened for Enuff Znuff....had to call themselves Shy England in the USA...should have called themselves Shite.

Blondie...Debbie Harry is my Mom's age and it made me feel icky. Highlight of show was my wife's text message "How's the tide?" "Very high and I'm movin on" I replied. Yet they are in the rock hall and Kiss, Cheap Trick and Warren Zevon aren't?

I'm sure there a lot of other lame ass bands I've seen...I just don't want to relive any more of these experiences right traumatic stress disorder is often diagnosed after being subjected to a lame ass band.


O.M.O.M. said...

Saw Kiss 5 times in a 10 day period on the Revenge tour. Opening acts were Trixter and Great White, the pain was immense. Trixter makes me want to cut myself and Great White makes me want to hurt people, I amused the people around me by shouting derogatory remarks for an hour straight every night. KISS were great night after night, even Sruce Kulick moved on stage. Sadly, most of the shows were 50% capacity and the jig was pretty much up for continuing with that lineup.

That was really my last hurrah as an enlisted member of the KISS Army. Once they put the makeup back on and brought back that hack Peter Criss, I pretty much retired them as one of my favs.

E. S. Furniss said...

I'm happy I got to see the original lineup...they were solid...Paul's voice was great and Gene was clearly having fun...Was highly amused by a family of four in front of me sporting the Kiss makeup. Kids were clearly into it and it reminded me of my childhood (c'mon, you know you had the Kiss makeup set they released). But the drum sound was so fake sounding...I kept looking to see if they had someone behind Peter. There was just no way he was delivering such a powerful sound on his own.

Trixter is so bad even Bruce Springsteen makes fun of them...during the Seeger Sessions tour in his introduction of backing vocalists Mrs. Boss, Lisa Lowell and Soozie Tyrell he said something like "these gals have been singing together forever..what was the name of that band...Trixter?" He was clearly cracking himself up at the very mention of their name.

That's when you know there have been too many rock band reunions..when Trixter reunites.