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Friday, May 23, 2008

I Am Nostradamus

Kudos to the Old Man of Metal for sending me a link to an interview with Judas Priest over at The metal gods are prepping a new record and I couldn't be less interested...its a concept record about the life of Nostradamus, the dude who had an uncanny knack for predicting the future. In fact, Nostradamus last prediction called for a leather clad band of minstrels, fronted by a queen, singing his praises. Since Freddie Mercury is dead, and Paul Rodgers doesn't seem the type, it seems fate cast Judas Priest in the role. In their honor, I submit to you today's blog, with yours truly playing the role of Nostradamus (by the way, the O.M.O.M. and I are teaming up for a concept record on Jimmy the Greek).

Once elected in a landslide victory, Barack Obama will insist that he be called only his last name which is to be spelled in all caps and when spoken it must be shouted OBAMA!

Kansas is sold to Canada for 6 kegs of Molson.

The new Ipenis will allow users to store over 10,000 songs on their unit.

New Orleans will sink under water but somehow its citizens survive and live like Aquaman. Using their telepathic powers they command an army of whales to attack Crawford, Texas and drown President Bush's compound. Bush will not be there at the time as he will be completing his National Guard duty in Afghanistan. He hears the hash there is better than in Iraq.

The world will go crazy for the reunion of April Wine.

Eric Moore's new band The Godz of Salsa will be a huge hit in the American Southwest. The new latin beats introduce a whole new generation to such tunes as 714 and Luv Kage. This leads to a new show on CMT called "Eric Moore is 60 and Spanish...aka Who is Eric Moore?"

The invention of the hover board leaves American's to park their cars seemingly forever....until a family of 6 crashes into the space needle...A new car that runs on soy sauce ends the nation's energy crisis forever.

Stalled by partisan bickering, the United States Congress decides to let the American people decide the outcome of legislation by call in vote. This leads to mega ratings for CSpan, Cspan 2 (Electric Boogaloo) and the all new Cspan Classic.

Zebras learn to talk and announce they are tired of being called "zebras" and that they prefer to be referred to as "biracial" or "striped Americans."

David Lee Roth is elected governor of Indiana.

Ronnie James Dio becomes Pope. Bishops are now known as Neon Knights in White Satin.

The Japanese begin a craze of leg reduction surgery which launches a midget craze where being a midget is the in thing.

Los Lonely Boys make a few friends and change their name to Los Happy Boys.

The world wipes the memory of Everclear from their mind..oh wait, that happened all ready.

John Mayer releases a tribute record to Eddie Murphy called "Party All the Time..Mayer sings Murphy."

Eddie Murphy kills John Mayer.

To be more "green" the always eco-friendly Dave Matthews decides to recycle his songs.

Eddie Murphy also kills Dave Matthews.

Lemmy opens a Motorhead theme park in a basement in Galion, OH. It becomes THE tourist spot in North Central Ohio topping the Bible wax museum.

Rush's Limelight becomes the new national anthem of Canada.

Eddie Murphy attempts to invade Canada but is stopped by a reunited Kids in the Hall.

Thats it for my predictions....I'm taking Monday off but we'll be back on Tuesday with all new coming soon a special comment on the future of the blog.....As James McMutry sang "Its Memorial Day in America, everybody's on the road, lets remember our fallen heroes, ya' all be sure to drive slow."


O.M.O.M. said...

I'd buy an Ipenis asap. I now play with my ipod more than my penis and it's starting to get jealous.

Don't start with April Wine, Myles Goodwin ranks nearly as high as Michael Schenker in my book.

I don't know if anything in NC Ohio could compete with The Bible Wax Museum, where scenes from the old and new testaments are recreated in painstaking detail with full sized wax figures. I once went there to snap some pictures to prove to my NYC buddies that this place exists. I was told that no photography was allowed. I told them, "It's okay, they're wax people, they don't have souls for my camera to steal." They then announced that they were closed for the day...

E. S. Furniss said...

I never knew Jesus and the rest of the Peanuts gang were so camera shy...

Dude, you have to be kidding me...April Wine? Seriously? Well, at least its not Triumph (sorry TFO). I swear the older I get the more I come to believe Helix was the best band to come outta Canada.

Just imagine filling up your Ipenis with adult video.

Anonymous said...

Gimmie an R-O-C-K...Whatcha got? a band that wasn't that good.

E. S. Furniss said...

Now thats funny....which is more than I can say for Canadian bands...Loverboy? Glass Tiger? Rush? Honeymoon Suite? I'd rather hear Rock You than Working for the Weekend any day of the week. But thats sorta like saying you prefer lung to brain cancer...both are gonna kill ya in the end.

Anonymous said...

Damn I was going to buy a new Hummer in late 2012 and drive around the country for a vacation, Now I am going to have to shave my head and join the Hari.s, Muslims, Jews, Jehovah s, Mormons, Christians, and a few other wing nut groups just to cover all my bases.
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