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Monday, April 7, 2008

From My Cold Dead Hands

RIP Charlton Heston....dude was one of my fave actors as a kid...Planet of the Apes, Soylent Green, the Omega Man...its an insult to guys like Heston to tag someone like Jude Law as a movie star. They don't belong in the same category. I may not have agreed with Heston's politics (in fact, I snuck into his room and took his rifle from his cold dead hands) but at least he stood up for his beliefs. If it weren't for him I'd still be eating Soylent Green (Soylent Green is people!). Hopefully TCM runs a Heston marathon soon...I'd like to see El Cid or Touch of Evil again. With Heston's passing, the title of America's greatest living actor now passes to *sigh* Steve Guttenberg......

I know what you're thinking...a month long tribute to Heavy Metal and now I've posted the new R.E.M. video....For about an 11 year run R.E.M. made some of the most vital records. They remain the biggest band Indie rock has ever produced. Their new record "Accelerate" is just killer. Its the best thing they've done since drummer Bill Berry left. Its tight, focused and rocks. In this day and age where so many veteran bands get tossed aside for the flavor of the month or just trot out the greatest hits, its nice to see a band who has nothing to prove decide that they want to kick ass. So good for them....

Dumbest thing anyone has said to me in a while..."Hey, that looks like a bowling shirt that you're wearing!" Thats because it is a bowling shirt you moron.

Your Columbus Blue Jackets wrapped up another disappointing season yesterday by doing what else? Losing. Again. The Jackets are expected to have as much as $20 million to spend on free agents in the off-season...good luck with that. This team is as likely to make the playoffs next year as I am to raise $5500 for KBone's high class hooker. Based on how inept the Jackets have been, its safe to say the city of Columbus is still in search of its first professional sports team.

I love baseball...I could watch it every day...but man those Sunday night ESPN games wear me out. Joe Morgan is even more annoying than Tim McCarver is on Fox. Its pretty sad that due to women's college basketball ESPN moved Sunday Night baseball over to ESPN 2.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez will make 28 million bucks this year or 7 million more than the entire Florida Marlins roster. For those of you interested in such things, ARod's 28 mill will pay for 5,090 hours of entertainment with Eliot Spitzer's hooker.

Browns defensive back Kenny Wright was arrested for pot possession, evading arrest and other acts of stupidity. A football player committing crimes isn't anything new...what concerns me is he fled police on foot....and they caught him. If you're a defensive back in the NFL you should be able to win a foot race against a donut eating cop in Kevlar. The Browns need to jack this douche out of tard school now.

I've said it once and I'll say it again...HBO's John Adams is the finest miniseries ever made. Can't wait to snag it on DVD.

Enjoyed a marathon of Cops on G4 Saturday. Wasn't as much fun as their Ninja Warrior marathons but since all the episodes were from the early 90's it was nice to see the mullets and fades that were so in vogue among the criminal element back then. Just as entertaining were the number of "as seen on tv" ads. Food storage devices made of space age polymers, garden shears that can cut thru a human skull and a handy dandy electronic device that you can record your grocery list on (cuz handwriting is so 20th century). I must have been in the right frame of mind cuz I was ready to order all of it.

The Los Angeles Times has been forced to retract a recent story that claimed Sean "Puff Daddy er..P Diddy" Combs was a player in the death of Tupac Shakur. I thought they were pushing it when they said P Diddy was also the man on the grassy knoll at Dealey Plaza.

I think what the world needs now is a Stray Cats reunion. Brian Setzer is one of the most under appreciated players in rock.

We need the person responsible for greenlighting a remake of Short Circuit and have him tarred and feathered.

Same penalty applies for the person responsible for the New Kids on the Block reunion. Who are their special guests? Boys II Men? Debarge? the Jets? New Edition? Caucasian please...go back into obscurity where you belong.

Oh and please take Velvet Revolver and dead man walking Scott Weiland with you on your way out..Thanks....


O.M.O.M. said...

I always wanted to smack that puss off Michael Stipe's face, his mumbling and whining in interviews drives me nuts. But I do really like Automatic For The People. I always liked the rest of the band, especially when the geetar player pulled a GNR that time on the airplane.

I have caught baseball fever. Last season I think I watched or listened to about 5 games total. I've already surpassed that this year. I'm really enjoying the Redlegs this year.

Speaking of mis-tagged movie stars, how about "star" Mark Ruffalo. I've got a movie pitch that is right up his alley.

Mark Ruffalo is Clint Wannamaker: Vegetable Detective.

Ruffalo is a mild-mannered produce manager that is involved in a bizzare produce/bowl cleaner shelf stocking accident that enables him to hear vegetables speak ala Dr. Doolittle. He discovers that veggies have emotions and can communicate and feel pain. He then leads a crusade to save the vegetables from the Susie Homemakers of the world. His bored monotone delivery would be great for this.

I've got two possible taglines for the poster:

1. To us it's Harvest. To them it's Armageddon: Clint Wannamaker: Vegetable Detective.

2. Who Cries For The Veggies? Clint Does. Mark Ruffalo is Clint Wannamaker: Vegetable Detective.

E. S. Furniss said...

Stipe is the typical frontman...arrogant beyond belief one moment and humble the next...he's been refreshing in his dealings with the press this go around..Its not often that someone in a band that big admits that their recent records suck. I forgot all about that airplane incident!

Its amazing how much more you enjoy sports when your team is doing well. If everyone stays healthy, the Reds should have a good season..well, by recent history a good season. Having said that, somewhere Ken Griffey Jr is pulling his hamstring.

Clint Wannamaker: Vegetable Detective sounds like a hit. I trust the soundtrack will feature yet another remake of Big Yellow Taxi? Performed I hope by one of the American Idols or Jessica Simpson.

Sadly, your Ruffalo project would be taken seriously if you'd cast Rob Schneider instead.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Great topic, but will this really work?