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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Its Almost as Icy as My Heart

What a beautiful freaking morning....Winter 2008...the winter without end. Tell Al Gore to take global warming and stick it up his cornhole.

After a night of watching election results, the freezing rain come down and snorting crank with Eddie Van Halen, I'm in a tired, cranky, foul mood today.

So my wish of having the political nominees decided last night exploded in flames. Despite 200 plus years of democracy, the state of Ohio is still incapable of conducting an election free of incident. Can we just get the U.N. in here already and have them oversee things from now on? Maybe its time we started using poll workers under the age of 100. Nothing against old people but I think you'd be better off using mentally challenged folks in their place. Old people get confused easily and don't adapt well to change. Seriously, could a retarded poll worker be any worse than a confused senior citizen suffering from dementia?

So Hillary Clinton's decision to go negative worked. Gonna be interested to see now if Obama takes off the gloves and bitch smacks her. God knows that woman and her husband have more skeletons under their basement than John Wayne Gacy. Hmmmm....I wonder if Bill ever dressed up like a clown to score chicks. I'm further convinced with each passing day that the death of America is upon us. Time for all of us to don a hockey jersey of a Canadian team and sneak thru their border.

Here's a scandal for the Obama camp to exploit....After I snorted crank off Eddie Van Halen's Frankenstein guitar last nigh, Hillary and I got it on. Go ahead Barrack..fire away at her. I don't know why Bill ever strayed...the woman has an incredibly gentle touch.

In more pleasant news, the line up for Rocklahoma 2008 has been announced. It is as follows:
Thursday (Pre Party for those who have bought three day tickets) Bret Michaels, LA Guns featuring Tracii Guns, Enuf Z Nuff, Vain, House of Lords and Jet Boy.Friday: XYZ, Armored Saint, Kingdom Come, Night Ranger, Extreme, Triumph and TBA.Saturday: Pretty Boy Floyd, Every Mother's Nightmare, Tora Tora, Black N Blue, Trixter, Kix, Warrant featuring Jani Lane and CinderellaSunday: Axe, Beautiful Creatures, Zebra, Lynch Mob, TBA, Tesla and TBA.

TBA seems to be playing a lot of shows there. I hear rumors of an appearance by Motley Crue. If that excites you, seek medical attention ASAP. There are also two side stages set up. One will feature acts you've never heard of and won't care about. The 2nd side stage is much more interesting. It features: Jester, Sidekixx, Pair-A-Dice, Front Runner, Tommy Had a Vision, Valor, Gypsy Blue, Whitefoxx, Blue Tiger, Wild August, Messang, Paul Shortino, Mariah, Warryor, Bad Candy, Lorraine, Nasty Nasty, Real Steel, Cuttlass, Vyper, Mass, Bad Candy, Oney, Strikeforce, Herazz, Reckless, Heartless, Ron Keel, Warryor and Alibi.

Now why is it that guys like Ron Keel and Paul Shortino, who had as much or more success as some of the acts on the main stage or relegated to what is essentially the kids table? And is it just me or were some of those bands on the 2nd stage in Decline and Fall of Western Civilization? What business does Tracii Guns have on this bill? Any of us could form a version of LA Guns at this point. I'm sure like me you're bursting with excitement over the news of a reformed Lynch Mob and Extreme. George Lynch is joined by his original singer Oni Logan, as well as Marco Mendoza on bass and Tommy Aldridge on drums. Now I'm not saying Tommy Aldridge is old, but you know that picture from the Revolutionary War featuring the guys of fife and drums? Aldridge is the drummer. That dude is in more bands than Reb Beach.

So yesterday I was told I looked like someone famous. "J Lo?' I asked. "No..." she said..no..."Buddy Hackett? Rodney Dangerfield...cuz I get those a lot" I reply. "No", she says, "you look like the guy who was in Maid in Manhattan." Then it hits me...this woman thinks I look like Ralph Fiennes, best known for playing the evil Nazi in Schindler's List! I guess its fitting since one of my regular features here is a rock and roll death camp.

Do you think if John McCain is elected he'll nominate Ted Nugent to serve as Secretary of the Interior?

I don't know who is crying more today...the people of Green Bay (where a flood warning has been issued due to the tears shed over Brett Favre's retirement) or the geeks of the world who are mourning the passing of the dude who created Dungeons and Dragons. Gary Gygax (Gygax? Seriously? Sounds like the name of an ogre) died at the age of 69 his wife announced yesterday. WIFE? Ya mean someone involved in D&D was able to score a chick? I guess Gygax was a character with a low healing power. Gygax did more to prevent teen sex than any abstinence program ever could.

I'm off to fulfill my childhood dream of choking on my own vomit....More NWOBHM vids to come

2 comments:

O.M.O.M. said...

I really think it is time to ban bicycle helmets and institute Fool Kill Day. Way too many stupid people are surviving long past their originally planned expiration date. This was the practice election and they can't even run it properly, I can't wait to see what a clusterf*ck it will be in November.

Concerning Rocklahoma, my favorite 2nd stage band name is Pair-A-Dice. I can't decide if they are a crappy GNR tribute act, a concept band that sings about gambling or twins that look like Andrew Dice Clay.

The only famous guy I get mistaken for is the fat guy from King Of Queens. Now that I've grown my hair out, I don't get that as much. I usually just tell people that I'm one of the former bass players for Molly Hatchet, they've had numerous fat, long-haired members so it makes sense.

E. S. Furniss said...

Amen to your election comments. Its bad enough we have such lousy candidates. Cant' we at least vote with ease?

I can't get over the fuss on the intergoogles over the reunion of Lynch Mob. George Lynch is nothing more than the Joe Piscopo of rock guitar players. Which I guess makes Don Dokken Eddie Murphy. Which seems to work since neither have produced anything good since 1988. Don's new acoustic record is basically a musical version of Norbitt.

Back in the 80's I used to be compared to Corey Hart. That's right...Corey "Sunglasses at Night" Hart. Had the odd Rick Springfield thrown in too (damn mullet). I'm just happy I wasn't told I looked like Ben Affleck or Matt Damon. By the way OMOM, I think you could pass for a smaller Kevin Smith. Remember that at Halloween. Go as Silent Bob.